rise and root



The Flame Haired Solstice Dreamer

Cold winter brings the Everfrost and jewels every tree
In a forest new as birth and old as old can be
A flame~haired dreamer wanders there and shelters from the wind
And spins her dreams around the trees to break the ties that bind
She takes her thread and spins anew and how the Greenwood smiles
As she spins a spell for freedom and for her spirit Wylde

The dreamer finds an ancient oak and shelters in his lee
In a forest new as birth and old as old can be
Tis summer now and birdsong weaves its magick through her spells
And humming bees drum drowsily in the foxglove's bells
The dreamer sits beneath the oak with yarn upon her knee
And spins and knits and weaves her dreams and sets her spirit free

"When birds fall from the sky and the animals are dying, a new tribe of people...shall come unto the earth from many colors, classes, creeds, who by their actions and deeds shall make the earth green again. they will be known as the warriors of the Rainbow"

Hopi Prophecy


i never considered that i would be writing a blog post like this
in fact i don't know if i will even publish it, now or ever
maybe i am writing this to try to make sense of what has happened and if i publish it i suppose it will be in the hope that it is part of the process i am going through, an echo of the process my old friends are going through with me, in our respective spheres of life. the process a family is now going through.
let me take you back a long time
back when i was in college a small group of friends formed, we were all local village teenagers going to the college here.
 we were old enough to have gained some independence and trust from our families, old enough to go to the local pub, usually on nights when we could listen to the 'real ale and thunder band'~although talking yesterday * and  i were wondering how we could ever afford it for none of us had jobs~our college work was the only work we had.
when not in college we would descend on *'s parents house which had become our second home, we would go through the kitchen like locusts, spend time in the converted shed talking and listening to music, have bonfires on a parents allotment and cook decidedly dodgy potatoes and sausages over the fire while P gave us rides across the open forest on his 'chickenchaser'. one cold and icy winter we played 'ice hockey' on a frozen pond with golf clubs using a tin of cat food as a puck and in the summer baseball using gorse bushes as bases.
 none of us could drive so anywhere we went was by push bike~this was the days before parents would buy teenagers a bright shiny car and we certainly couldn't afford to buy even the most beaten up old banger.
one summer we stayed in a small beach hut on mudeford spit~if i remember rightly there were 8 of us and two dogs squeezed into the tiny hut that had sleeping room for four~we had cycled to hengistbury head, loaded our bags onto the noddy train and cycled down to mudeford spit where we reclaimed our bags and moved into the beach hut. my abiding memory of this time was one night was one of the boys singing 'Summertime'~i have loved that song ever since, but when hearing it, it is him still singing.
even now years later it was the best summer, really the best ever summer...

~two weeks later~

well time passed, we all followed our own paths, some of us leaving the forest for a few years, some longer. while we were all following our paths some kept in physical touch, some through the internet, sometimes we met by accident, sometimes we tracked each other down but there was always a connection, somewhere, somehow that kept us linked and knowing how we were all doing.

so the years passed

two weeks ago * came to my house with the news that ^ had finally reached the decision that this life was too hard to continue living~he had taken his final journey the night before.

^ was a sweet, funny and very talented man and even now with two weeks having passed when i let my mind focus on what happened and all the usual whys and wherefores i cant really take it in. one abiding thought was why did i not send him the e-mail i sat down to write only a month earlier? i don't think any email from anyone would have altered his course in this life, but i like to think that maybe my words would have raised a smile.



Miss Robyn said...

it's hard. writing your thoughts down and sharing, is one small part of the grieving journey. You know my story with the loss of a friend, and albeit not ending her own journey, it was such a loss.. I grieved by sharing my grief with online friends. You know I am here always, if you ever need to send an email. holding your heart, dear Lee xoxo

MorningAJ said...

Sometimes the weight of life becomes too much to bear. Some people move on from it, others don't, and there is no way to say who is who.

If someone is determined that their time has come there is nothing anyone can do to change their minds.

Remember him fondly and be there for the rest who are left behind.

laoi gaul~williams said...

Thank you Robyn i felt i had to write it down, at the moment i cannot bear to open my journal and write it, but here, it felt right.
Thank you AJ, he was very determined this time but i keep looking beyond it to his talents and sweetness

Sandies' Patch said...

Sending love and healing your way and to your own circle of friends and family.
I too have a friend who is always on the brink so to speak and it is getting more frequent. Just don't know how to get them out of this terrible cycle.
You will find your comfort zone and be able to think of your friend without too much pain but, for now, take care of yourself and loved ones.
Goddess be with you at your darkest times.
Blessings xxx

Hearthwife said...

Always so hard and it never fails to leave those behind thinking "what could I have done". Hugs to you m'dear and I hope that you and his other friends and loved ones are a great comfort to each other.


laoi gaul~williams said...

Sandie, K thank you for your thoughts and words. his funeral is on Monday when for the first time in many years all of us will be meeting up. in the evening we are all going to meet up in one of our local village pubs to celebrate his life and make plans for planting a tree in the forest for him. i am feeling dreadfully anxious about this as i have the most dreadful social phobia but keeping my rescue remedy close at hand.

Wendy Hewgill said...

It's always so difficult to know what to say at a time like this, some feelings just can't be expressed in words. Thankyou Lee for writing this on your blog, I too have a memory of someone who just could'nt go on in this life, so young too, so much to live for.
Sending warm comforting and steadying energies to you and his friends and loved ones too. May fond remembered times comfort you all.
Wendy x

Yarrow said...

I'm so sad to read this and I really can't imagine how you are feeling. For anyone to feel that they need to end their journey is heartbreaking and I only hope everyone who knew your friend can find peace and healing.

Hugs to you.xxx

laoi gaul~williams said...

Wendy, Yarrow thank you xoxoxo

All things share the same breath~the beast, the tree, the man, the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports.

Chief Seattle

Johney Gaul~1915

Johney Gaul~1915
1890-17 september 1918~France