rise and root

***

~*~*~*~
by the gorgeous bohemian wild roses~thank you me dear xoxoxo


The Flame Haired Solstice Dreamer

Cold winter brings the Everfrost and jewels every tree
In a forest new as birth and old as old can be
A flame~haired dreamer wanders there and shelters from the wind
And spins her dreams around the trees to break the ties that bind
She takes her thread and spins anew and how the Greenwood smiles
As she spins a spell for freedom and for her spirit Wylde

The dreamer finds an ancient oak and shelters in his lee
In a forest new as birth and old as old can be
Tis summer now and birdsong weaves its magick through her spells
And humming bees drum drowsily in the foxglove's bells
The dreamer sits beneath the oak with yarn upon her knee
And spins and knits and weaves her dreams and sets her spirit free

***
"When birds fall from the sky and the animals are dying, a new tribe of people...shall come unto the earth from many colors, classes, creeds, who by their actions and deeds shall make the earth green again. they will be known as the warriors of the Rainbow"

Hopi Prophecy

~come visit with me~

I thought it was time to show you where I live


loving my fireplace, I just wish I could use it!

all year fairy lights down the cobbles...the view from my lounge

Diagon Alley?

Isle of Wight across the Solent

Dawn from my third floor bedroom

my courtyard garden

my kitchen window at dusk

my neighbours balcony







did a bit of shopping today to make up for not seeing my tramper as planned today


~re-birth-


of course she had to go

solsticedreamer doesn't exist anymore

she belonged to a different life, a different time

she belongs to a world I no longer inhabit

no longer exists to 'friends' who betrayed her

***

she belongs to a time past, a time where a community was forged and close friendships made.
to almost idyllic times.
the betrayal now makes that seem false and I can see how quickly people will turn on you, will publicly express their opinion that you are having a midlife crisis and that they hoped karma will turn and bite you.

well I don't need that kind of person in my life
and so solsticedreamer had to go


punkwitch was born 
she seems more appropriate to the person I have become...or rather the person I always was but had lost somewhere over 17 years.
okay, so in the depths of my anxiety I don't feel like punkwitch

but this is punkwitch...
over the last months I have been to see echo and the bunnymen in southampton, the damned in Portsmouth and seth lakeman in poole, have a ticket to see the jesus and mary chain in april in bounemouth...all on my own. something I would have never contemplated 8 months ago.
i have a car
I have my own home in a beautiful area
I am finishing my degree
I have a little job that my fibromyalgia is just about letting me do
I have true friends who love and support me
I have my beautiful tramper






~demons #2~



I have had a weekend of two halves
the good and the just plain horrific

Saturday was good, I kept myself busy, went to the market for food, went for a walk and had a cup of tea looking out over the Solent and a slow walk back home. I sat reading and listening to music and mark phoned late afternoon and we spoke for maybe two hours or more and then messaged each other.

during the course of the conversation, I cant even remember what we were talking about, he said that we were not a couple.
he said something similar when we drove home from Scotland, saying he didn't believe in the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing and that we should enjoy whatever it is we have between us without rushing to give it a label.
since then however I have noticed that when he talks of me to other people he calls me his girlfriend...

I can understand his reasoning, he has a fear of being hurt and of the loss of his independence but to be honest the comment on Saturday  threw me a little and even though throughout the conversation he spoke of our plans for the summer...going camping in his new motorhome, returning to Scotland and of our 'relationship' I went to bed feeling sad.
something in me wanted just a small bit of commitment, just a tiny little label.

I woke up on Sunday with my anxiety levels through the roof and tears threatening to fall. I sent him my usual good morning message and settled in for a morning in bed, drinking tea, reading, listening to classic fm and eating toast.

finally the tears started
the hours rolled on
the tears continued
no message came in from him
the tears continued
I managed to step on and break my favourite vintage plate encouraging more tears to flow
I sent a message to P asking to talk later
P messaged back saying he would phone later
the tears dried up
sadness settled in side by side with my anxiety

P phoned...
P naturally knows about M and we spoke about the situation and his feelings and while he admits to feeling horribly jealous he is actually fine with the situation. we both know we have too much history, too much of a connection for anything to destroy it.

oh my but did he make so much sense.

he made me realise I have absolutely no foundation for thinking M is in anyway trying to back out of the relationship and despite not calling us a couple everything that he does and talks about with me signifies that we are in a serious, committed relationship while at the same time allowing us both to be our own independent selves.
that we do not need to place any kind of label on our relationship.
early on he told his family about me, his brothers and daughters all know about me. I met one brother and sister in law on our first 'date' and even went to their home over boxing day, his work mates know about me and he has enlisted them on several occasions to take photos of him by his truck to send me, he bought me beautiful dm boots, after several nights staying in his motorhome where I took my own crockery and mug he keeps it in his in his motorhome saying 'this might as well be kept here' and after his first visit to my flat left behind his shower gel in my bathroom and pyjamas (so I could wear them!) he messages me to say he is missing me, has told me decorating the interior of his new motorhome is my job and he has said in a very quiet voice on a few occasions that he loves me.
he has even been and had a piercing, 'my ring' to mirror one of my own because he said he wanted some connection between us.

P also said that I still need to find me, that after being in a long relationship where I experienced so much unhappiness I need to continue to find myself and that could take time.
that's exactly what M has said to me too. To suddenly be free after 17 years, the real me won't suddenly appear. I have to work at being me, at being a single person again, to finding my own path through life.

P and I ended our call and when I looked at my phone there were two messages from M waiting for me...apologising for not being in touch, saying he is missing me lots...later during the message conversation he sent me a link to a motorhome he wants to buy and I passed the comment that it had a ladder to the top so we could watch the night sky, something we had discussed previously 

he just said

'I did promise'



~demons~


Friday 24th February

I am sitting here in my beautiful home typing this via Libre because as yet I am still waiting for my land line and broadband to be installed. My mobile is picking up a sketchy BT wifi but my laptop wont. I had planned on going to the library but have had to sort out some heating issues and so as the time ticks on I am resigned to a day at home seeing if the programme I set into my thermostat is working...as I type I don't think it has because right now my radiators are on when they should be off!

Today I am feeling engulfed with insecurities and doubts. My anxiety issues are hitting a high and I am feeling jittery and tearful. I have always suffered from problems with anxiety and they have waxed and waned as regularly as the moon in the night sky.
I hardly slept last night as my mind is playing tricks with my relationship with Mark. There is no concrete reasons for this, no hints that our relationship is faltering but my mind is whispering otherwise. Its insiduous whisperings are telling me that he is working this weekend because he doesn't want to see me, that he is trying to back out of our relationship. The crazy thing is there is no reason for thinking this way, there has been no reason given for me to think it, I am still getting my messages from him daily...but my evil brain is telling me otherwise.

The feeling of doubt and anxiety is so overwhelming I could cry from the sheer frustration as two parts of my mind battle it out. The awful thing is the evil side is stronger than the rational side-isn't that always the way? So all I can do is try to keep myself busy and think around the evil to the rational, to remind myself constantly that there is no reason to feel this way, that he has given me no reason to doubt his feelings for me, that he is genuinely busy with work.

anxiety really is the pits

~changes~



as I said before there is another story here.

I have finally moved out of the house I was sharing with my ex partner.

it happened very quickly, extremely quickly in fact, following a culmination of events that made me realise that if I remained in the house with him I would never really be able to move on with my life as I should be.

I had discussed it with M who honestly wasn't sure, but I was.
I had to do it, I had to be the one to move out of the home I loved, leave my precious pets behind and start a whole new life or find myself drowning in depression.

 a great deal of intent was put out into the world by myself and my friends and as if by magic the most perfect flat appeared to rent in Lymington.
I lived in Lymington, a beautiful Georgian town on the banks of a river at the mouth of the Solent, twenty years ago and fell in love. to now be faced with an available flat in an old building on the cobbled old town quay was too much to pass up and within five days of phoning to enquire about it I had moved in. 
three weeks later I have finally unpacked and have the place organised and I still cannot believe that the two upper floors of this old, old building and its little stone flagged courtyard is my home. 

what's more important to me is that M can come and stay at weekends. something that would not have been possible had I still been sharing a house with my ex. as a result our relationship has developed and become deeper and I am blissfully happy.

so yes my life has changed beyond measure.
I have started again with my university studies and now into the final three (maybe two) years of my classical studies degree.
I am responsible for my own life, for sorting my bills, paying my bills, paying my rent and I now have a little job. just two hours a day cleaning for a local company...and to be honest that is all my ever present fibromyalgia will allow right now and I find myself ready to collapse when I get home just after 6 in the evening.
but you know what? its a good feeling, I feel that I am being productive, useful.

~a love story~


so much has changed since my last post here
my life has followed some tangled webs and I have shed many, many tears but finally come out the other end.

~September-October~

I went to Scotland in mid-September for 16 days to stay with my dad while my step-mum was visiting my step-brother in Australia. while there P slowly started to increasingly withdraw from any online contact and I figured that he was having problems and hiding himself away.

during that time I realised that while there was the strong connection that we both acknowledge existed between us was too much 'baggage', way too much baggage for either of us to cope with having such a physical distance between us.
one day I walked up into the hills behind my dads home and wept the whole way, really wept, I felt bereft because I finally realised I was chasing something that I honestly felt would never happen, that I could not just wait and wait, watching my life pass me by, possibly for nothing.
I reached the top of the hill, sat on a high dry stone wall and still I wept...wept for what could have been, for the dream of an 'us' that would never happen.
when I walked back down that hill some hours later, freezing cold and wrung out of tears I felt strong and brave. ready to move on from my dream into reality.


~November~

from almost out of nowhere came M.
my friend T suggested that I 'put myself out there' on an online dating site, I was honestly unsure and suspicious, but I registered...even now I don't know why I did it.
then one day a photograph came up of a serious, bearded man, with absolutely no information on his profile, unlike my essay that was horribly honest...probably to put men off me.

but there was something about this picture that drew me, I wrote and discarded four messages to him before actually sending one and I didn't think I would hear anything back once he read my profile. however the next night, the 12th November, I was sitting reading when he messaged me, we spoke for a short while then he went off and I was sure I would hear nothing more. but the next day he appeared again and again I was sure I would never hear back from him, his way of messaging appeared very abrupt almost awkward. But again the next day he returned, then again the next day, then again the next day...
seven days later in a fit of anxiety about whether he even liked me I sent him a long message explaining I liked him, that I hoped he wasn't just being polite in talking to me but included my mobile phone number.
I sent it and immediately panicked and spent the whole day in a tangle of emotions, convinced I had scared him off.
that night my phone rang and I answered, not thinking and a voice went 'hello punkwitch'...my nickname I took after shedding the name solsticedreamer (that in itself is another story for another day) and it was him saying thank you for the message and how beautiful and honest he found it.


10th of January 2017...

not a day has passed since the 12th November that we have not messaged each other...
on the 26th November we spent the day and evening together and I met his brother and sister in law.
the phone calls started and we spend hours talking.
on the weekend of the 10th of December we had our first weekend together
On boxing day he came, with a gift of a beautiful pair of blue DM boots, and stayed with me for three days
New Years Eve we drove up to Scotland so he could meet my dad and step-mum. he explained he was 'old school' and it was out of respect for my dad because he was seeing his daughter.
we spent New Years Eve sleeping in his motorhome on the shores of Clatteringshaws Loch in the Galloway Dark Sky Park.
the following Friday and Saturday, in the space of 24 hours, we spoke on the phone for ten hours

we are planning holidays in the summer to Cornwall and Scotland
we are planning to visit a canal boat festival because his ultimate aim is to buy and live on a canal boat and he has already spoken about this life event with me being in it with him.

this man,
this burly, bearded man with tattoos and pony tail, who lives in a big Mercedes motorhome and spends his week days driving a massive 44 ton truck around the country has without doubt become the complete and utter love of my life.
he is handsome, with glorious bright blue eyes, a beautiful smile and is kind, sweet, funny, generous

but it is more than that, much more than that
he once messaged saying
'have we known each other forever?'
it feels that way, it feels he has become part of my very soul, part of the essence of my being


21st February...

my M is still part of my life, and becoming a bigger part of my life every day that passes.
we still message every single day, talk on the phone when we don't see each other at weekends...but importantly we are able to see each other more at weekends and this is my new story...








~here~


I was talking this morning to my good friend j (hello my love!) about how different I have become since august and trying to put it all into words.
so here I am trying to articulate my feelings about myself here for the world to read.

I feel I have become a strong warrior woman, I find I no longer have tolerance for mis-deeds, for the unjust of our world, for the norm and how we are expected to look and behave.
its not that I have become a total anarchist, far from it-I have just seen my reality and how I want that reality to be.

***

I was talking about some new tattoos I will hopefully be getting from my old friend D on Thursday.
last may in Glastonbury I took the step of having four moon symbols tattooed on my hands-a waxing and waning crescent, a dark moon and full moon. all quite abstract. just outlines put in my skin.
of no meaning to people who see them, but full of meaning for me and my path I am following through life.


I had never intended on having my hands tattooed because they are impossible to hide if needed. but I suddenly developed the attitude that it doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things. it doesn't matter a jot, because it does not change my personality by having arcane symbols on my hands.

I have found more symbols that I hope D will ink into my fingers this week. a combination of elder furthark runes symbolising water and ancestry/ heritage. I chose runes because one of my great great grandfathers was a mariner with the Old Norse surname of Ormes. Then I chose the Celtic ogham symbol for the rowan which is my birth tree and a tree I feel links me to my Irish/Scottish ancestry.
so more, highly visible arcane hand tattoos

I read somewhere about women 'drawing their symbols of their power on their skin' and this is how I feel about me.
my tattoos are a symbol of my power, my freedom, my power of choice and to have these new ones placed on each hand with only make me feel stronger, more powerful.

~october~


so here I am again, but you will find a whole new me existing in this world

so much has changed in my life, it feels as if I have been re-born,
that I have emerged from a catalyst and am finding myself with new horizons ahead of me.

of course this could not take place without the biggest of upheavals.
I couldn't see myself reaching my 50th birthday feeling so undermined and trapped and unhappy and
I could not keep my life as it was when my heart was so obviously elsewhere.

I couldn't do it and it wasn't fair to K either

I also couldn't have my love existing elsewhere and so I had to end my 17 year relationship.

it didn't happen overnight and was one of the hardest things I have done, but also one of the most 'right' things I have done.

I can't say that my life has been instantly turned around because it hasn't, far from it. but I am happy, happier than I have for many years and I have regained my freedom, my independence.



P is still in my life, of course he is, and we are oh so gently orbiting each other.

we both now know exactly how we feel for each other because circumstances had us exchanging a few, long, very heartfelt messages back in September.
it reached the point where, although we both knew of each others feelings, for me I had to explain it with some clarity.
the heartfelt messages helped us both with what we were feeling and also set some boundaries~namely that we need to re-build our friendship before getting into anything that would destroy what we have, that we both have 'baggage' that needs to heal, plus to say nothing of the complication of living over 200 miles apart.

so I exist in a state of what I call

softly, softly, catchee monkey

my life is a semi limbo of joy~of knowing how P feels for me, of waiting~waiting for who knows how long for things to move, even a little, further forward, of sadness and frustration~knowing you belong with this one person and loving and wanting to be with them so badly it is a constant physical hurt. my every waking moment has him in the background like some radar I cannot turn off.

of course I now have many other joys in my life that are incredibly  important
I have control of my life, of my own money, of my time and what I choose to do with it and more importantly I will soon be in possession of a car, which means for the first time in over 8 years I will be independently mobile~no longer having to rely on someone else to take me the places I need to get to. which means my world will be opened up. I will be able to visit friends and, excitingly, drive myself to concerts~in fact i already have tickets to see Echo and the Bunnymen in November and Seth Lakeman in December.

I can see how, to some people out there, these small achievements will seem just that, small, but to me they are huge, like tall beautiful mountains of achievement that stand before me, that I know I can climb with joy in my heart.


~serendipity~

this post was originally written in august and has been sitting in draft until today


the very few of you I strongly feel I can trust and I have allowed to continue to read my thoughts here, you may feel its an odd thing to post so publicly but I have had to block some people access to my blog so I can post freely, which I feel is my right.

I am using the phrase

to hell in a handbasket

to describe my life as it is now.

firstly I need to say that my relationship with K is not perfect, but hey what relationships really are?

we have been together for 17 years and in the early years I experienced online infidelity but stuck in there with threats of leaving him. then slowly our relationship changed and for the last 8 years we have been living more as housemates as opposed to in a proper loving relationship.

as time went on the way he spoke to me changed, he would constantly talk down to me, correct me for the slightest thing, at times loudly when out in public, if I did something that wasn't his way I would be lectured and when I railed against it he would become cross, saying everything he did was for my own good and all I can do I reject his help.

I started to feel battered into the ground.

occasionally there would be bursts of sudden rage that would scare me. although he never touched me, this rage made me wonder deep down if he might one day.

I stared to spend more time in the bedroom, watching tv or taking my laptop, books and journals. we stopped going to for fun things, even something as small as going to a local café and may times I thought how good it would be to be alone, to not have to wonder if my next comment would be corrected or demeaned. i often wondered, secretly hoped, that he would leave.
I felt guilty for feeling like this, dreadfully guilty.


today I am still not sleeping, not eating and constantly feel sick and anxious and to be honest I am not a nice person right now, well I don't think I am.
I am meeting my very own demons at this point in time and it is so difficult.
I am in a place I never thought I would find myself for all the tea in china, despite living with what I have described above for so long.
as one I find myself in despair, exhilarated, sad, hopeful, confused.

***

its all down to the man I have come to call my serendipity

of course it is

P, who we have known for many years and re-connected with in the middle of Derbyshire. in that weird, serendipitous moment when we were running hours late, he had left work at a different time, we faced bad traffic and an accident...and yet there he was on a roundabout, behind a random VW camper and he just thought 'it might be...' after seeing what he jokingly called 'all the hippie shit on the back' and packed to the gunnels.

we have always had a soft spot for each other, almost from the moment we first met, and it has not diminished over the years, in fact it feels as if it has grown stronger over the time we have not been in each others lives.

***

physically meeting him again was like the turning on of the lights of the universe, instant, immediate

I stepped around the back of the camper along a tiny, hedgerow enclosed lane and saw him standing there and like two forces coming together we hugged as if it were the end of the world, literally.

and we didn't stop

we would draw apart to talk but then look into each others eyes and smile, laugh and hug again

he whispered into my ear
you look beautiful

words I have not had whispered into my ear

we drew apart but left our arms around each others waists, not even aware we were doing so, not wanting to break contact

we hugged, laughed, smiled

we drew apart and he rested both hands on my waist, staring into my eyes, still smiling, his dark eyes so bright

it felt like we were the only two people there, even when it started to rain down on us we just stood there, close, as if were the most natural position to be in, wanting to keep our personal space joined


but of course we were not alone, there was a third person and we were acting as if he were not there. not intentionally, never intentionally, but for that moment nothing else existed in the world but us.
when it came to part we held on tight, joking...

me~can we take him with us?!
him to K~you know I have always fancied your missus!

but of course we had to say goodbye and it was painful. we promised to keep in touch and joked about stalking via facebook.

and he was gone

and me? well sitting back in the camper I felt I was fizzing and could think of nothing else other than that which just happened, of him and the lights of the universe coming on.
in a quiet moment at camp I confided in my friends about him and how much i liked him and told them of our meeting.
I held out until the next morning to send him a message and from that point we haven't stopped.


that feeling of fizzing has not stopped nearly three weeks down the line. we are in touch online, speaking every day. sometimes just a few words, sometimes conversations, some just everyday, some heart breaking.

***






~turning again~

here I am again, this time a few days home from Lammas Camp up in beautiful Derbyshire.
it was my first Lammas Camp and it took me some years worth of needling to get there (I drive but haven't for a while and so driving myself hasn't been an option) but I got there.

but first let me tell you of the oddest thing that happened when I was nearly there...

we were running two hours late, had been caught in traffic and then, suddenly, caught in slow moving traffic we noticed the road had been closed because of an accident while at the same time swampy mentioned to me (comfortably snuggled up in the back of the camper) that there was some 'nobber' either driving too close or trying to overtake. when the car drew up beside us there was a figure waving at us frantically and it was P who we had not seen for many years.
we took the detour road and stopped and had the most amazing reunion right there on the side of a tiny lane in deepest Derbyshire.

we have known P for many years through the vw scene, I have been counting back to when I first had my old vw bay window and the first camp I joined...on a really damp, chilly weekend here in the new forest...and I figure it was around 2000 or 2001.
our paths crossed many times over the years and then we stopped going to most vw events and his life took him in a different direction too and I honestly thought our paths would never cross again.

so in a truly serendipitous moment when we were running late, he was running late from work and we had been caught in traffic we finally connected on a roundabout in Derbyshire.

life is strange~he is my serendipity

Lammas Camp was a glorious event, a small gathering held on a small organic farm high on a hill

prudence all set up and cosy...



my tribe, my spiritual family were there with me. we camped together, set up our firepits in a small circle and lived our own idyllic life for a few precious days. no electric, no heat apart from the heat generated by our fires and glorious views and so much laughter I often ached from it. there was also much heart felt conversation, hugs and tears.


my friend nacht was there selling his beautiful copper wares from Emporium Nocturnum so I added to my Hecate's Wheel with a copper and silver Mjolnir...
next to the camp was a high hill that had the most amazing views and as a group we would walk up there every day to talk and explore. then each morning, waking early, I would hike up there in my pyjamas and sit and talk to any of the old goddesses and gods who happened to be listening. putting my thoughts and dreams into the passing breeze, hoping I would be heard...

my beautiful systers, I love them so very much...





on the last morning I was awake really early, the wind was blowing a gale, the canvas walls of prudence flapping like sails on a ship. all I could do was make coffee by lantern and listen...

 then I made my way up my hill...
 it was a wild, noisy time with the wind raging through the beech trees but I still put my voice to the wind where the words were carried off, tumbling to be heard by whoever.

then it was down to pack down prudence and pack everything into the camper, leaving me with my nest in the back, surrounded by rugs and wicker baskets holding the stuff of everyday life...tin mugs, an old camp cooker, a battered old Aga kettle and there was me, resplendent in my orange trousers and green mary jane's.
I felt sad, close to tears, I didn't want to leave this beautiful place, my beautiful tribe, my beautiful systers to who I shared my heart and soul, but home I had to travel

back home I maintain my routine of getting out as early as possible to send my thoughts, hopes and dreams into the sky surrounded in my garden by rowan, oak and birch...


I am going through a bout of insomnia at the moment, its lasted since Friday and finds me sleeping only a few hours and so getting into my garden at the liminal time of dawn has me feeling the shift that has taken place since Lammas.
its only small shift, most people are still enjoying what they call summer, but I see and feel deeper. I can smell it, see it, feel it. the great wheel has turned and we are closer to the darker months. in my garden I see the changes in the plants, while my lemon verbena is flourishing my lovage has gone over, while the birds foot trefoil runs rampant the leaves of the silver birch are slowly turning from green to brown and ripe berries hang heavy from the rowan.


I am feeling sad and teary today, the kind of sadness that makes me want to sit in the garden with a book and do nothing, not talk, eat or drink, just sit there and just be.
I know the source of this sadness but for now this must sit within my soul and wait out what may or may not occur. I know what I want to occur, something I want with all of my heart, with all of my soul, deep to the core of my very being.
I am in a limbo created out of serendipity and all I can do is wait...
All things share the same breath~the beast, the tree, the man, the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports.



Chief Seattle






Johney Gaul~1915

Johney Gaul~1915
1890-17 september 1918~France