rise and root

***

~*~*~*~



The Flame Haired Solstice Dreamer

Cold winter brings the Everfrost and jewels every tree
In a forest new as birth and old as old can be
A flame~haired dreamer wanders there and shelters from the wind
And spins her dreams around the trees to break the ties that bind
She takes her thread and spins anew and how the Greenwood smiles
As she spins a spell for freedom and for her spirit Wylde

The dreamer finds an ancient oak and shelters in his lee
In a forest new as birth and old as old can be
Tis summer now and birdsong weaves its magick through her spells
And humming bees drum drowsily in the foxglove's bells
The dreamer sits beneath the oak with yarn upon her knee
And spins and knits and weaves her dreams and sets her spirit free

***
"When birds fall from the sky and the animals are dying, a new tribe of people...shall come unto the earth from many colors, classes, creeds, who by their actions and deeds shall make the earth green again. they will be known as the warriors of the Rainbow"

Hopi Prophecy

~the other*North Star~


of course I couldn't update my blog without talking about Mark

the man who I call my 

North Star

yes, he is still in my life, more strongly than when I last posted about him being in my life.

my anxiety about our relationship has eased a great deal. When I first met him he told me that being with a tramper is hard...

hang on, some of you may not know what a tramper is...

a tramper is English slang for a long distance lorry driver who will sleep in their truck.

My love has been a tramper for about 25 years, he drives a 44 tonne, six axel, 18 wheeled truck Monday to Friday, driving from port to port delivering shipping containers full of goodness knows what, eating and sleeping in his truck where he has a bed, fridge, microwave.
its a solitary existence, regulated by strict time constraints, although new telephone technology means he is able to talk with his fellow trucker friends during the long journeys. At the end of the day he will either have parked up on an industrial estate or in a lay-by for the night and either fall straight asleep or watch something on his iPad that I will have downloaded for him at the weekend...this week he is onto season two of Game of Throne!

so yes, he told me at the beginning that being with a tramper is hard...and oh my it is.
we rarely speak on the phone during the week, relying on messages on our phones or the odd email, when he forwards me something. So much depends on the frequency of our daily messages...how busy he is, how tired he is at the end of a day, some days its such that he just needs quiet time and I may get nothing more than one or two messages.
Months ago that would have sent my anxiety levels through the roof...as my previous post has shown. These days I know better. we have spoken about it, of his need for quiet time for whatever reason and he reassured me that its nothing to do with me or us...he just needs some time.

But our relationship is thriving and strong

since I last wrote about our life I have met one of his other brothers and his girlfriend, on their canal boat. we have been there twice, sleeping in Big Bertha and spending the day on the canal. More importantly I have met both his daughters, not because I asked to meet them, I didn't want to push him, but because he felt it was time, he wanted us to meet each other. This it is how its been...I let him lead the way when it is comfortable for him. He has many barriers built up around him, has trust issues because of being badly hurt, it takes time for him to trust, this is why I follow his path.

My North Star

one of our favourite times is when we have our tea and toast in bed, either here or in Big Bertha, we sit and talk, joke and hold hands


this rough, gruff, tattooed tramper, with language to make a dockers hair curl, with his long hair and beard, whose beautiful blue eyes and smile gives his true soul away, who has vowed to be faithful and true to me...I love him so very much



~this is my life~




today started as a grey, dull day and this was the view from my bedroom.
now I am sitting at my kitchen window and the sun is breaking through the clouds.

I have not blogged for so long and I have been feeling the pull to write down my thoughts again, become an active part of old school blogging again.

*later*

its a few days later but I am still sitting at my kitchen window, looking out at the blue, blue sky and the higgidy-piggidy roof tops 




I love this view so much...

so I hear you ask, what's been happening since my last post?

so much and more

I am loving my home on the cobbles so much, to have become a cobble dweller is the best feeling. being part of the little community of dwellers here on the old town quay is a truly special feeling and it feels like home. I now have my old Paris-dwelling bicycle Evangeline here with me and we journey together around Lymington when I don't need my car...


*later*

here I am again, sitting at my little table, again with blue sky outside my window.
we had a big storm cross the Channel that hit us in the early hours of the night before last. I spent the time leaning out of my little bedroom window watching the lightning above the old roof tops, was oh so tired yesterday then had a migraine start. So today I am a little fragile , so taking it slow, not rushing.

so where was I?

yes...this is my life...

I realised the other day that it is nearly a year since I put the wheels in motion to change my life.
a year

my past life seems like 'forever ago'
the person I am, the life I am living bares no resemblance to my previous life.

it has been hard, from the moment I made the decision to end my relationship I knew it was all going to be hard, upsetting, stressful...
and it has been...very, very, very.

But you know what?
I have no regrets.

but it also slowly improved.

and so I have my life, my new life.
and its my life...every day I make my own choices, decisions. 

My home and my life is just that...mine.

I choose how to decorate, where to place my furniture, how to have the books on my bookcase, what to have on the bed, I have no tv, I can listen to Classic FM radio all day, everyday if I wish. I can even buy clothes! I know to some of you that all just sounds crazy...but to buy clothes...when you don't have control of your money, when I have always been told there is no money for anything, to be able to take myself into Southampton, sit in a café with a chai latte and cake, or buy myself lunch and then actually buy a couple of items of clothing...its new and amazing!

on nice evenings I sit in my courtyard




as darkness falls my solar lights come on and I light candles, I watch the last flights of the resident swifts, hear the last calls of the sea gulls and see the bats come alive. I hear the people pass by along the cobbles, their voices drifting up through the narrow, flag-stone alley, with its locked iron gate keeping out curious people. Sometimes I hear live music coming from the wine bar in the Old Customs House opposite or loud voices and laughter drifting down the hill from the Kings Head...a pub I used to visit weekly with my friends 20 years ago.
Every night my neighbours appear on their balconies and we chat or I just listen to their conversations, sometimes being drawn into the chat and laughter. Arthur the cat will appear for a quick chat before his sits on the high wall above me or a will vanish down the alley and disappear down the cobbles. Then as the nights gets darker I will bring myself in, make a cup of tea and take myself up the steep, narrow stairs that are hidden behind a little door, to my bedroom up in the roof...

The Cobbles have become my heart and soul...but there is another




~come visit with me~

I thought it was time to show you where I live


loving my fireplace, I just wish I could use it!

all year fairy lights down the cobbles...the view from my lounge

Diagon Alley?

Isle of Wight across the Solent

Dawn from my third floor bedroom

my courtyard garden

my kitchen window at dusk

my neighbours balcony







did a bit of shopping today to make up for not seeing my tramper as planned today


~re-birth-


of course she had to go

solsticedreamer doesn't exist anymore

she belonged to a different life, a different time

she belongs to a world I no longer inhabit

no longer exists to 'friends' who betrayed her

***

she belongs to a time past, a time where a community was forged and close friendships made.
to almost idyllic times.
the betrayal now makes that seem false and I can see how quickly people will turn on you, will publicly express their opinion that you are having a midlife crisis and that they hoped karma will turn and bite you.

well I don't need that kind of person in my life
and so solsticedreamer had to go


punkwitch was born 
she seems more appropriate to the person I have become...or rather the person I always was but had lost somewhere over 17 years.
okay, so in the depths of my anxiety I don't feel like punkwitch

but this is punkwitch...
over the last months I have been to see echo and the bunnymen in southampton, the damned in Portsmouth and seth lakeman in poole, have a ticket to see the jesus and mary chain in april in bounemouth...all on my own. something I would have never contemplated 8 months ago.
i have a car
I have my own home in a beautiful area
I am finishing my degree
I have a little job that my fibromyalgia is just about letting me do
I have true friends who love and support me
I have my beautiful tramper






~demons #2~



I have had a weekend of two halves
the good and the just plain horrific

Saturday was good, I kept myself busy, went to the market for food, went for a walk and had a cup of tea looking out over the Solent and a slow walk back home. I sat reading and listening to music and mark phoned late afternoon and we spoke for maybe two hours or more and then messaged each other.

during the course of the conversation, I cant even remember what we were talking about, he said that we were not a couple.
he said something similar when we drove home from Scotland, saying he didn't believe in the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing and that we should enjoy whatever it is we have between us without rushing to give it a label.
since then however I have noticed that when he talks of me to other people he calls me his girlfriend...

I can understand his reasoning, he has a fear of being hurt and of the loss of his independence but to be honest the comment on Saturday  threw me a little and even though throughout the conversation he spoke of our plans for the summer...going camping in his new motorhome, returning to Scotland and of our 'relationship' I went to bed feeling sad.
something in me wanted just a small bit of commitment, just a tiny little label.

I woke up on Sunday with my anxiety levels through the roof and tears threatening to fall. I sent him my usual good morning message and settled in for a morning in bed, drinking tea, reading, listening to classic fm and eating toast.

finally the tears started
the hours rolled on
the tears continued
no message came in from him
the tears continued
I managed to step on and break my favourite vintage plate encouraging more tears to flow
I sent a message to P asking to talk later
P messaged back saying he would phone later
the tears dried up
sadness settled in side by side with my anxiety

P phoned...
P naturally knows about M and we spoke about the situation and his feelings and while he admits to feeling horribly jealous he is actually fine with the situation. we both know we have too much history, too much of a connection for anything to destroy it.

oh my but did he make so much sense.

he made me realise I have absolutely no foundation for thinking M is in anyway trying to back out of the relationship and despite not calling us a couple everything that he does and talks about with me signifies that we are in a serious, committed relationship while at the same time allowing us both to be our own independent selves.
that we do not need to place any kind of label on our relationship.
early on he told his family about me, his brothers and daughters all know about me. I met one brother and sister in law on our first 'date' and even went to their home over boxing day, his work mates know about me and he has enlisted them on several occasions to take photos of him by his truck to send me, he bought me beautiful dm boots, after several nights staying in his motorhome where I took my own crockery and mug he keeps it in his in his motorhome saying 'this might as well be kept here' and after his first visit to my flat left behind his shower gel in my bathroom and pyjamas (so I could wear them!) he messages me to say he is missing me, has told me decorating the interior of his new motorhome is my job and he has said in a very quiet voice on a few occasions that he loves me.
he has even been and had a piercing, 'my ring' to mirror one of my own because he said he wanted some connection between us.

P also said that I still need to find me, that after being in a long relationship where I experienced so much unhappiness I need to continue to find myself and that could take time.
that's exactly what M has said to me too. To suddenly be free after 17 years, the real me won't suddenly appear. I have to work at being me, at being a single person again, to finding my own path through life.

P and I ended our call and when I looked at my phone there were two messages from M waiting for me...apologising for not being in touch, saying he is missing me lots...later during the message conversation he sent me a link to a motorhome he wants to buy and I passed the comment that it had a ladder to the top so we could watch the night sky, something we had discussed previously 

he just said

'I did promise'



~demons~


Friday 24th February

I am sitting here in my beautiful home typing this via Libre because as yet I am still waiting for my land line and broadband to be installed. My mobile is picking up a sketchy BT wifi but my laptop wont. I had planned on going to the library but have had to sort out some heating issues and so as the time ticks on I am resigned to a day at home seeing if the programme I set into my thermostat is working...as I type I don't think it has because right now my radiators are on when they should be off!

Today I am feeling engulfed with insecurities and doubts. My anxiety issues are hitting a high and I am feeling jittery and tearful. I have always suffered from problems with anxiety and they have waxed and waned as regularly as the moon in the night sky.
I hardly slept last night as my mind is playing tricks with my relationship with Mark. There is no concrete reasons for this, no hints that our relationship is faltering but my mind is whispering otherwise. Its insiduous whisperings are telling me that he is working this weekend because he doesn't want to see me, that he is trying to back out of our relationship. The crazy thing is there is no reason for thinking this way, there has been no reason given for me to think it, I am still getting my messages from him daily...but my evil brain is telling me otherwise.

The feeling of doubt and anxiety is so overwhelming I could cry from the sheer frustration as two parts of my mind battle it out. The awful thing is the evil side is stronger than the rational side-isn't that always the way? So all I can do is try to keep myself busy and think around the evil to the rational, to remind myself constantly that there is no reason to feel this way, that he has given me no reason to doubt his feelings for me, that he is genuinely busy with work.

anxiety really is the pits

~changes~



as I said before there is another story here.

I have finally moved out of the house I was sharing with my ex partner.

it happened very quickly, extremely quickly in fact, following a culmination of events that made me realise that if I remained in the house with him I would never really be able to move on with my life as I should be.

I had discussed it with M who honestly wasn't sure, but I was.
I had to do it, I had to be the one to move out of the home I loved, leave my precious pets behind and start a whole new life or find myself drowning in depression.

 a great deal of intent was put out into the world by myself and my friends and as if by magic the most perfect flat appeared to rent in Lymington.
I lived in Lymington, a beautiful Georgian town on the banks of a river at the mouth of the Solent, twenty years ago and fell in love. to now be faced with an available flat in an old building on the cobbled old town quay was too much to pass up and within five days of phoning to enquire about it I had moved in. 
three weeks later I have finally unpacked and have the place organised and I still cannot believe that the two upper floors of this old, old building and its little stone flagged courtyard is my home. 

what's more important to me is that M can come and stay at weekends. something that would not have been possible had I still been sharing a house with my ex. as a result our relationship has developed and become deeper and I am blissfully happy.

so yes my life has changed beyond measure.
I have started again with my university studies and now into the final three (maybe two) years of my classical studies degree.
I am responsible for my own life, for sorting my bills, paying my bills, paying my rent and I now have a little job. just two hours a day cleaning for a local company...and to be honest that is all my ever present fibromyalgia will allow right now and I find myself ready to collapse when I get home just after 6 in the evening.
but you know what? its a good feeling, I feel that I am being productive, useful.

~a love story~


so much has changed since my last post here
my life has followed some tangled webs and I have shed many, many tears but finally come out the other end.

~September-October~

I went to Scotland in mid-September for 16 days to stay with my dad while my step-mum was visiting my step-brother in Australia. while there P slowly started to increasingly withdraw from any online contact and I figured that he was having problems and hiding himself away.

during that time I realised that while there was the strong connection that we both acknowledge existed between us was too much 'baggage', way too much baggage for either of us to cope with having such a physical distance between us.
one day I walked up into the hills behind my dads home and wept the whole way, really wept, I felt bereft because I finally realised I was chasing something that I honestly felt would never happen, that I could not just wait and wait, watching my life pass me by, possibly for nothing.
I reached the top of the hill, sat on a high dry stone wall and still I wept...wept for what could have been, for the dream of an 'us' that would never happen.
when I walked back down that hill some hours later, freezing cold and wrung out of tears I felt strong and brave. ready to move on from my dream into reality.


~November~

from almost out of nowhere came M.
my friend T suggested that I 'put myself out there' on an online dating site, I was honestly unsure and suspicious, but I registered...even now I don't know why I did it.
then one day a photograph came up of a serious, bearded man, with absolutely no information on his profile, unlike my essay that was horribly honest...probably to put men off me.

but there was something about this picture that drew me, I wrote and discarded four messages to him before actually sending one and I didn't think I would hear anything back once he read my profile. however the next night, the 12th November, I was sitting reading when he messaged me, we spoke for a short while then he went off and I was sure I would hear nothing more. but the next day he appeared again and again I was sure I would never hear back from him, his way of messaging appeared very abrupt almost awkward. But again the next day he returned, then again the next day, then again the next day...
seven days later in a fit of anxiety about whether he even liked me I sent him a long message explaining I liked him, that I hoped he wasn't just being polite in talking to me but included my mobile phone number.
I sent it and immediately panicked and spent the whole day in a tangle of emotions, convinced I had scared him off.
that night my phone rang and I answered, not thinking and a voice went 'hello punkwitch'...my nickname I took after shedding the name solsticedreamer (that in itself is another story for another day) and it was him saying thank you for the message and how beautiful and honest he found it.


10th of January 2017...

not a day has passed since the 12th November that we have not messaged each other...
on the 26th November we spent the day and evening together and I met his brother and sister in law.
the phone calls started and we spend hours talking.
on the weekend of the 10th of December we had our first weekend together
On boxing day he came, with a gift of a beautiful pair of blue DM boots, and stayed with me for three days
New Years Eve we drove up to Scotland so he could meet my dad and step-mum. he explained he was 'old school' and it was out of respect for my dad because he was seeing his daughter.
we spent New Years Eve sleeping in his motorhome on the shores of Clatteringshaws Loch in the Galloway Dark Sky Park.
the following Friday and Saturday, in the space of 24 hours, we spoke on the phone for ten hours

we are planning holidays in the summer to Cornwall and Scotland
we are planning to visit a canal boat festival because his ultimate aim is to buy and live on a canal boat and he has already spoken about this life event with me being in it with him.

this man,
this burly, bearded man with tattoos and pony tail, who lives in a big Mercedes motorhome and spends his week days driving a massive 44 ton truck around the country has without doubt become the complete and utter love of my life.
he is handsome, with glorious bright blue eyes, a beautiful smile and is kind, sweet, funny, generous

but it is more than that, much more than that
he once messaged saying
'have we known each other forever?'
it feels that way, it feels he has become part of my very soul, part of the essence of my being


21st February...

my M is still part of my life, and becoming a bigger part of my life every day that passes.
we still message every single day, talk on the phone when we don't see each other at weekends...but importantly we are able to see each other more at weekends and this is my new story...








~here~


I was talking this morning to my good friend j (hello my love!) about how different I have become since august and trying to put it all into words.
so here I am trying to articulate my feelings about myself here for the world to read.

I feel I have become a strong warrior woman, I find I no longer have tolerance for mis-deeds, for the unjust of our world, for the norm and how we are expected to look and behave.
its not that I have become a total anarchist, far from it-I have just seen my reality and how I want that reality to be.

***

I was talking about some new tattoos I will hopefully be getting from my old friend D on Thursday.
last may in Glastonbury I took the step of having four moon symbols tattooed on my hands-a waxing and waning crescent, a dark moon and full moon. all quite abstract. just outlines put in my skin.
of no meaning to people who see them, but full of meaning for me and my path I am following through life.


I had never intended on having my hands tattooed because they are impossible to hide if needed. but I suddenly developed the attitude that it doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things. it doesn't matter a jot, because it does not change my personality by having arcane symbols on my hands.

I have found more symbols that I hope D will ink into my fingers this week. a combination of elder furthark runes symbolising water and ancestry/ heritage. I chose runes because one of my great great grandfathers was a mariner with the Old Norse surname of Ormes. Then I chose the Celtic ogham symbol for the rowan which is my birth tree and a tree I feel links me to my Irish/Scottish ancestry.
so more, highly visible arcane hand tattoos

I read somewhere about women 'drawing their symbols of their power on their skin' and this is how I feel about me.
my tattoos are a symbol of my power, my freedom, my power of choice and to have these new ones placed on each hand with only make me feel stronger, more powerful.

~october~


so here I am again, but you will find a whole new me existing in this world

so much has changed in my life, it feels as if I have been re-born,
that I have emerged from a catalyst and am finding myself with new horizons ahead of me.

of course this could not take place without the biggest of upheavals.
I couldn't see myself reaching my 50th birthday feeling so undermined and trapped and unhappy and
I could not keep my life as it was when my heart was so obviously elsewhere.

I couldn't do it and it wasn't fair to K either

I also couldn't have my love existing elsewhere and so I had to end my 17 year relationship.

it didn't happen overnight and was one of the hardest things I have done, but also one of the most 'right' things I have done.

I can't say that my life has been instantly turned around because it hasn't, far from it. but I am happy, happier than I have for many years and I have regained my freedom, my independence.



P is still in my life, of course he is, and we are oh so gently orbiting each other.

we both now know exactly how we feel for each other because circumstances had us exchanging a few, long, very heartfelt messages back in September.
it reached the point where, although we both knew of each others feelings, for me I had to explain it with some clarity.
the heartfelt messages helped us both with what we were feeling and also set some boundaries~namely that we need to re-build our friendship before getting into anything that would destroy what we have, that we both have 'baggage' that needs to heal, plus to say nothing of the complication of living over 200 miles apart.

so I exist in a state of what I call

softly, softly, catchee monkey

my life is a semi limbo of joy~of knowing how P feels for me, of waiting~waiting for who knows how long for things to move, even a little, further forward, of sadness and frustration~knowing you belong with this one person and loving and wanting to be with them so badly it is a constant physical hurt. my every waking moment has him in the background like some radar I cannot turn off.

of course I now have many other joys in my life that are incredibly  important
I have control of my life, of my own money, of my time and what I choose to do with it and more importantly I will soon be in possession of a car, which means for the first time in over 8 years I will be independently mobile~no longer having to rely on someone else to take me the places I need to get to. which means my world will be opened up. I will be able to visit friends and, excitingly, drive myself to concerts~in fact i already have tickets to see Echo and the Bunnymen in November and Seth Lakeman in December.

I can see how, to some people out there, these small achievements will seem just that, small, but to me they are huge, like tall beautiful mountains of achievement that stand before me, that I know I can climb with joy in my heart.


All things share the same breath~the beast, the tree, the man, the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports.



Chief Seattle






Johney Gaul~1915

Johney Gaul~1915
1890-17 september 1918~France