~samhain blessings my lovlies~

So today is a time to visit with the ancestors, a time when the veil between the worlds is thin.

 

I took an early walk in the woods behind my tiny cottage to spend time with the ancestors of the land. I think the schools are no longer on half term but I didn't fancy hearing the distant shieking of children through the woods today. Instead I met wih a few locals, two walking their dogs and one man asking me if I had passed his pigs. Yes 'normal for the New Forest' as we are in pannage season, where the pigs are let out to enjoy the fall of acorns. This year the glut of acprns are so good pannage has been extended. I had met four pigs in the woods only a couple of minutes from the back of my cottage and so keen to film then doubled back to watch them and film them before they hurried off.

Later I have to go have my diabtetic eye screening but then I shall come back, light my wood burner, burn some Samhain incense from Star Child and spend some quite time alone. I still live alone-I am still with my North Star but still live alone by choice. My cottage is not large enough to house two people comforatbly and after six years together we know that we work best with time apart. We are people who need time alone and have our own routines, our own way of doing things and NS knows that I could never willinging give up my little cottage.

More than that I have found my true self over the past few years. When I found the courage to end my longterm relationship I thought I had found myself, but I hadn't and I realised a few years down the line that I was running the risk of putting myself into a similar situation if I wasn't very careful and asserted myself. I realised I had to put myself first and put down some clear boundaries because I found that I was turning into what I can only descibe as a 'Stepford Wife' and alarm bells were ringing, quite loudly. I felt as if I was just being used as a book, bottle washer, clothes washer, domestic and spent my time picking dirthy clothes up off the floor. My limit had been reached when I came home from camp in May and NS had looked after Cookie for the weekend-I came home to an unmade bed, dirthy clothes, dirty dishes and a line of dirty cat food bowls...that were my own bowls. I know, right?! I was beyond fuming but instead of an apology I had anger directed at me because I dared to be angry. 

Men huh?

Anyway, after a few difficult months our relationship is much stronger and we are much happier,  NS now understands that I am not here to be his Stepford Wife and I have learnt not to trampled all over but to stand up for myself more. I am a much stronger more assertive person now than I ever have been.

It feels right that I have found this balance right before Samhain and at the start of, for me and for many pagans, the cusp of the new year.

Hello Mel and Laura and thank you for your comments~ its lovely to come here and find familiar faces still here reading my words xx

~soul mate?~

my gosh but do i love this man

how is it possible...really possible to know that this one person is your soul mate?

how does it feel as if i have known him forever?

in my 51 years i have had two long term, serious relationships but nothing has prepared me for this.

from the turbulence of the final days of my old relationship, a relationship that had descended into the mere friendship, and in the final year or two not even that, i find myself today happy, content and deeply in love.

but maybe love isn't the right word, it doesn't adequately describe how i feel about my North Star...can i find the right word, the right single word? 

i am not sure that single word can possibly exist

i can only describe my feelings in single words or sentences that drift into my mind~even trying to write it down is difficult. in my mind its like a cloud of words and phrases and emotions, all jumbled together in one lovely mass.

i sit here in my cosy little bedroom, hearing the sounds of life down on the cobbles three floors below me and as i often do, i have my phone by my side, the screen taken up with my love, looking happy, sitting on a big red Harley motorcycle. 

yes he is the stereotypical biker/trucker...nearly, but not quite...

yes he has the whole long hair, beard, tattoos, piercing thing, he drives a huge 18 wheeled articulated truck Monday to Friday, sleeping in it when he has exhausted his allowed driving hours each day, he comes from a highly dysfunctional, abusive family from a poor area, he is poorly educated and his language would make a dockers toes curl, and yet...

and yet...

he loves animals, he loves classical music, he loves dressing smartly and always looks immaculate, he loves shopping and vintage items, i am slowly bypassing my old vegetarian ways and taking a vegan path and he is following me~happily, openly, finding joy in the food i cook us at the weekend.

this man has slowly opened up the previously private parts of his life~meeting his two daughters after they kept asking to meet me and meeting his eldest brother which was the biggest, final hurdle.

he has let me fully into his life and i have allowed him into mine.

and yet

love still doesn't adequately describe us

he has become my all, my everything

he completes me

it is as if my whole life has led me to this man and this time

that i have finally met the person i have always meant to be with

~when tears are good~

when i first met Mark, i would cry when leaving him for another week

i would literally be in tears before i reached the end of the lane and cry on and off the whole 50 minutes it takes to get home.

then it stopped...of course i missed him...but i felt secure enough that i no longer cried.

then last weekend, after three wonderful weekends together i found myself crying again.

i think...no, i know the healing we went through after our two weeks apart has only strengthened our relationship. last weekend we returned to keyhaven marshes for the weekend. the first time we had been back since our blip had me driving away only half an hour before the new year.

we both admitted we felt anxious about it, as if the place could only hold bad memories and negative energies.

we made a point of burning white sage to purify and cleanse us, the motorhome and the general area of negative energies and i truly believe it worked.

we had the most perfect weekend, the weather was shocking, heavy rain, howling gales but we were cosy inside, talking , laughing, listening to music and watching films. in the morning we went to our favourite cliff top cafe and had breakfast and then our separate ways. usually i would have followed him back to his lane near Wickham but Babette had failed her MOT and i wasn't happy driving her down the motorway and home again alone.

but his last words to me were 'i will phone you later...' he then followed me down the road, beeping his horn as i turned off to the old town quay

and did he phone?

he did...of course he did.

and i now get two maybe three calls a day from him

when i think back to the man i first met and the man he has now become my heart just bursts.

while he is not the kind of man to be overly affectionate in public, i know...i only have to look into his eyes to see the love he holds inside and how much he has changed for the good.

~the wheel turns~

so its imbolc

a turning of the great wheel of the year

everything is waking up, the days getting longer and lighter...its not overly noticeable but its happening.

in my tiny flower bed in my old flagstone courtyard there are green spikes pushing up through the earth and a few tiny snowdrops showing their faces to the cold.

here on the cobbles its a bitterly cold day with a good wind blowing up river off the Solent and working its way along the cobbles. i am squeezing in a mug of tea before i have to change out of my comfy clothes and return to work...only for two hours but i am increasingly unhappy at having to drag myself out at 4pm and getting back around 6.30.

so, a few weeks have passed from my last post and my heart is full of the joy that is my relationship with my North Star.

i find myself smiling...smiling a lot...something i rarely did in my old relationship.

the first weekend after our 'blip' and what Mark calls our 'first argument' started a little awkwardly and i was not surprised, but it only took a few hours together to return to how we were. we went vintage shopping and visited S and S in their new little home. I stayed over and cooked dinner for us before making my way home down the motorway.

from that point i started to get 2-3 phone calls a day from him and i could feel the difference in him.

the second weekend, we again stayed in the motorhome near Wickham and it was at this point he finally, honestly, admitted his feelings for me, saying he thought he would never love again...

i know...

right?

this man, this beautiful man, so damaged by an appalling upbringing and two horrible marriages was finally able to put voice to his feelings and open up. i had to ask just one question

why now? after so long?

his reply

because i trust you

~loving~

loving 

such a small word

such a word to be easily used with no meaning

or misunderstood

in reality a huge, complex beastie that can equally tear the heart apart and bring fathoms of joy all in one day

i love my tramper

i love him unreservedly

i didn't go looking for love

but i found it in him

i imagine some other woman meeting this man would have walked away or caused him to walk away months ago

he is complex, very complex

he has a difficult history, a victim of child abuse, life spent in children's homes, reform school when the authorities didn't know what to do with him, a step father who 'encouraged' the older brothers to take him out and fight him, two failed marriages, one at 19, where both women openly cheated on him.

he knows of the abuse perpetrated on his older siblings but he can only remember violence perpetrated against him, although after nearly a year with this man i have picked up on odd little things that make me wonder if the abuse was more and he has it effectively blocked. 

he admitted that he has been keeping a wall between us but last weekend, after a lovely day spent together I finally asked if the wall was still there

'what do you think?'

'we both want the same things'

this 'Markism' means, no, the wall is coming down

its taking time, its slow, but its coming down, tiny piece by tiny piece.

I have, against my nature, been deliberately keeping this relationship slow, not rushing, not demanding, not pushing.

I need him to know that not all women are the same. That I am different.

I know he trusts me now, it took months for him to trust, but he does.

On a few occasions his guard has dropped and he has said he loves me. When I say a few , I can count the times on one hand but at the same time I know he does by other means or the way he will look at me.

Last night we had FaceTime and at the end of the call he said 'well i better let you go' but instead of ending the call he sat there a if he wanted to say something else, I could almost hear the words forming in his mind, hiding behind his lips, his eyes. Then he smiled and laughed and said goodnight.

I know what words were behind this, I could feel them, hear them whispering to me, almost taste the words he was holding onto.

*****

when I think of his past it breaks my heart.

he has a photo he keeps out of him meeting the boxer Henry Cooper when he was about 14. In order to deal with the beatings he got from his three older brothers he took up martial arts and I think this photo has something to do with it. Looking at the picture of this young Mark, I think of all he had gone though by this time and I could weep.

Early in our relationship he kept telling me that I should be with someone more educated and when he knew he was going to meet my Dad he asked if he would be disappointed that I was not with an educated man. I explained its not the education that makes the man for me and my Dad wants me to be with someone who makes me happy, whether they are educated or not. It took some months but he finally stopped asking these questions~he finally realised that he is the man I want in my life.

Finally, after meeting two brothers and their partners, I knew he was serious when I finally, in the summer, met his youngest daughter and her partner and his adopted daughter...he brought them up as a single parent and loves these two girls so very much and I think he had to be sure of me before meeting them and a few weeks ago he told me that his youngest has told him that she is glad he has met me. 

Trust

this damaged man trusts me with everything and you could say that this is his way of saying he loves me

~demons #2~

I have had a weekend of two halves

the good and the just plain horrific

Saturday was good, I kept myself busy, went to the market for food, went for a walk and had a cup of tea looking out over the Solent and a slow walk back home. I sat reading and listening to music and mark phoned late afternoon and we spoke for maybe two hours or more and then messaged each other.

during the course of the conversation, I cant even remember what we were talking about, he said that we were not a couple.

he said something similar when we drove home from Scotland, saying he didn't believe in the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing and that we should enjoy whatever it is we have between us without rushing to give it a label.

since then however I have noticed that when he talks of me to other people he calls me his girlfriend...

I can understand his reasoning, he has a fear of being hurt and of the loss of his independence but to be honest the comment on Saturday  threw me a little and even though throughout the conversation he spoke of our plans for the summer...going camping in his new motorhome, returning to Scotland and of our 'relationship' I went to bed feeling sad.

something in me wanted just a small bit of commitment, just a tiny little label.

I woke up on Sunday with my anxiety levels through the roof and tears threatening to fall. I sent him my usual good morning message and settled in for a morning in bed, drinking tea, reading, listening to classic fm and eating toast.

finally the tears started

the hours rolled on

the tears continued

no message came in from him

the tears continued

I managed to step on and break my favourite vintage plate encouraging more tears to flow

I sent a message to P asking to talk later

P messaged back saying he would phone later

the tears dried up

sadness settled in side by side with my anxiety

P phoned...

P naturally knows about M and we spoke about the situation and his feelings and while he admits to feeling horribly jealous he is actually fine with the situation. we both know we have too much history, too much of a connection for anything to destroy it.

oh my but did he make so much sense.

he made me realise I have absolutely no foundation for thinking M is in anyway trying to back out of the relationship and despite not calling us a couple everything that he does and talks about with me signifies that we are in a serious, committed relationship while at the same time allowing us both to be our own independent selves.

that we do not need to place any kind of label on our relationship.

early on he told his family about me, his brothers and daughters all know about me. I met one brother and sister in law on our first 'date' and even went to their home over boxing day, his work mates know about me and he has enlisted them on several occasions to take photos of him by his truck to send me, he bought me beautiful dm boots, after several nights staying in his motorhome where I took my own crockery and mug he keeps it in his in his motorhome saying 'this might as well be kept here' and after his first visit to my flat left behind his shower gel in my bathroom and pyjamas (so I could wear them!) he messages me to say he is missing me, has told me decorating the interior of his new motorhome is my job and he has said in a very quiet voice on a few occasions that he loves me.

he has even been and had a piercing, 'my ring' to mirror one of my own because he said he wanted some connection between us.

P also said that I still need to find me, that after being in a long relationship where I experienced so much unhappiness I need to continue to find myself and that could take time.

that's exactly what M has said to me too. To suddenly be free after 17 years, the real me won't suddenly appear. I have to work at being me, at being a single person again, to finding my own path through life.

P and I ended our call and when I looked at my phone there were two messages from M waiting for me...apologising for not being in touch, saying he is missing me lots...later during the message conversation he sent me a link to a motorhome he wants to buy and I passed the comment that it had a ladder to the top so we could watch the night sky, something we had discussed previously 

he just said

'I did promise'

~a love story~

so much has changed since my last post here

my life has followed some tangled webs and I have shed many, many tears but finally come out the other end.

~September-October~

I went to Scotland in mid-September for 16 days to stay with my dad while my step-mum was visiting my step-brother in Australia. while there P slowly started to increasingly withdraw from any online contact and I figured that he was having problems and hiding himself away.

during that time I realised that while there was the strong connection that we both acknowledge existed between us was too much 'baggage', way too much baggage for either of us to cope with having such a physical distance between us.
one day I walked up into the hills behind my dads home and wept the whole way, really wept, I felt bereft because I finally realised I was chasing something that I honestly felt would never happen, that I could not just wait and wait, watching my life pass me by, possibly for nothing.
I reached the top of the hill, sat on a high dry stone wall and still I wept...wept for what could have been, for the dream of an 'us' that would never happen.
when I walked back down that hill some hours later, freezing cold and wrung out of tears I felt strong and brave. ready to move on from my dream into reality.


~November~

from almost out of nowhere came M.
my friend T suggested that I 'put myself out there' on an online dating site, I was honestly unsure and suspicious, but I registered...even now I don't know why I did it.
then one day a photograph came up of a serious, bearded man, with absolutely no information on his profile, unlike my essay that was horribly honest...probably to put men off me.

but there was something about this picture that drew me, I wrote and discarded four messages to him before actually sending one and I didn't think I would hear anything back once he read my profile. however the next night, the 12th November, I was sitting reading when he messaged me, we spoke for a short while then he went off and I was sure I would hear nothing more. but the next day he appeared again and again I was sure I would never hear back from him, his way of messaging appeared very abrupt almost awkward. But again the next day he returned, then again the next day, then again the next day...
seven days later in a fit of anxiety about whether he even liked me I sent him a long message explaining I liked him, that I hoped he wasn't just being polite in talking to me but included my mobile phone number.
I sent it and immediately panicked and spent the whole day in a tangle of emotions, convinced I had scared him off.
that night my phone rang and I answered, not thinking and a voice went 'hello punkwitch'...my nickname I took after shedding the name solsticedreamer (that in itself is another story for another day) and it was him saying thank you for the message and how beautiful and honest he found it.


10th of January 2017...

not a day has passed since the 12th November that we have not messaged each other...
on the 26th November we spent the day and evening together and I met his brother and sister in law.
the phone calls started and we spend hours talking.
on the weekend of the 10th of December we had our first weekend together
On boxing day he came, with a gift of a beautiful pair of blue DM boots, and stayed with me for three days
New Years Eve we drove up to Scotland so he could meet my dad and step-mum. he explained he was 'old school' and it was out of respect for my dad because he was seeing his daughter.
we spent New Years Eve sleeping in his motorhome on the shores of Clatteringshaws Loch in the Galloway Dark Sky Park.
the following Friday and Saturday, in the space of 24 hours, we spoke on the phone for ten hours

we are planning holidays in the summer to Cornwall and Scotland
we are planning to visit a canal boat festival because his ultimate aim is to buy and live on a canal boat and he has already spoken about this life event with me being in it with him.

this man,
this burly, bearded man with tattoos and pony tail, who lives in a big Mercedes motorhome and spends his week days driving a massive 44 ton truck around the country has without doubt become the complete and utter love of my life.
he is handsome, with glorious bright blue eyes, a beautiful smile and is kind, sweet, funny, generous

but it is more than that, much more than that
he once messaged saying
'have we known each other forever?'
it feels that way, it feels he has become part of my very soul, part of the essence of my being


21st February...

my M is still part of my life, and becoming a bigger part of my life every day that passes.
we still message every single day, talk on the phone when we don't see each other at weekends...but importantly we are able to see each other more at weekends and this is my new story...