~demons #2~

I have had a weekend of two halves

the good and the just plain horrific

Saturday was good, I kept myself busy, went to the market for food, went for a walk and had a cup of tea looking out over the Solent and a slow walk back home. I sat reading and listening to music and mark phoned late afternoon and we spoke for maybe two hours or more and then messaged each other.

during the course of the conversation, I cant even remember what we were talking about, he said that we were not a couple.

he said something similar when we drove home from Scotland, saying he didn't believe in the whole 'boyfriend/girlfriend' thing and that we should enjoy whatever it is we have between us without rushing to give it a label.

since then however I have noticed that when he talks of me to other people he calls me his girlfriend...

I can understand his reasoning, he has a fear of being hurt and of the loss of his independence but to be honest the comment on Saturday  threw me a little and even though throughout the conversation he spoke of our plans for the summer...going camping in his new motorhome, returning to Scotland and of our 'relationship' I went to bed feeling sad.

something in me wanted just a small bit of commitment, just a tiny little label.

I woke up on Sunday with my anxiety levels through the roof and tears threatening to fall. I sent him my usual good morning message and settled in for a morning in bed, drinking tea, reading, listening to classic fm and eating toast.

finally the tears started

the hours rolled on

the tears continued

no message came in from him

the tears continued

I managed to step on and break my favourite vintage plate encouraging more tears to flow

I sent a message to P asking to talk later

P messaged back saying he would phone later

the tears dried up

sadness settled in side by side with my anxiety

P phoned...

P naturally knows about M and we spoke about the situation and his feelings and while he admits to feeling horribly jealous he is actually fine with the situation. we both know we have too much history, too much of a connection for anything to destroy it.

oh my but did he make so much sense.

he made me realise I have absolutely no foundation for thinking M is in anyway trying to back out of the relationship and despite not calling us a couple everything that he does and talks about with me signifies that we are in a serious, committed relationship while at the same time allowing us both to be our own independent selves.

that we do not need to place any kind of label on our relationship.

early on he told his family about me, his brothers and daughters all know about me. I met one brother and sister in law on our first 'date' and even went to their home over boxing day, his work mates know about me and he has enlisted them on several occasions to take photos of him by his truck to send me, he bought me beautiful dm boots, after several nights staying in his motorhome where I took my own crockery and mug he keeps it in his in his motorhome saying 'this might as well be kept here' and after his first visit to my flat left behind his shower gel in my bathroom and pyjamas (so I could wear them!) he messages me to say he is missing me, has told me decorating the interior of his new motorhome is my job and he has said in a very quiet voice on a few occasions that he loves me.

he has even been and had a piercing, 'my ring' to mirror one of my own because he said he wanted some connection between us.

P also said that I still need to find me, that after being in a long relationship where I experienced so much unhappiness I need to continue to find myself and that could take time.

that's exactly what M has said to me too. To suddenly be free after 17 years, the real me won't suddenly appear. I have to work at being me, at being a single person again, to finding my own path through life.

P and I ended our call and when I looked at my phone there were two messages from M waiting for me...apologising for not being in touch, saying he is missing me lots...later during the message conversation he sent me a link to a motorhome he wants to buy and I passed the comment that it had a ladder to the top so we could watch the night sky, something we had discussed previously 

he just said

'I did promise'

~demons~

Friday 24th February

I am sitting here in my beautiful home typing this via Libre because as yet I am still waiting for my land line and broadband to be installed. My mobile is picking up a sketchy BT wifi but my laptop wont. I had planned on going to the library but have had to sort out some heating issues and so as the time ticks on I am resigned to a day at home seeing if the programme I set into my thermostat is working...as I type I don't think it has because right now my radiators are on when they should be off!

Today I am feeling engulfed with insecurities and doubts. My anxiety issues are hitting a high and I am feeling jittery and tearful. I have always suffered from problems with anxiety and they have waxed and waned as regularly as the moon in the night sky.

I hardly slept last night as my mind is playing tricks with my relationship with Mark. There is no concrete reasons for this, no hints that our relationship is faltering but my mind is whispering otherwise. Its insiduous whisperings are telling me that he is working this weekend because he doesn't want to see me, that he is trying to back out of our relationship. The crazy thing is there is no reason for thinking this way, there has been no reason given for me to think it, I am still getting my messages from him daily...but my evil brain is telling me otherwise.

The feeling of doubt and anxiety is so overwhelming I could cry from the sheer frustration as two parts of my mind battle it out. The awful thing is the evil side is stronger than the rational side-isn't that always the way? So all I can do is try to keep myself busy and think around the evil to the rational, to remind myself constantly that there is no reason to feel this way, that he has given me no reason to doubt his feelings for me, that he is genuinely busy with work.

anxiety really is the pits

~re-treading the path~

finding a path is never easy, keeping to a path is never easy and its easy to become distracted.

like anything in this world finding and remaining on a sacred path is one that constantly needs work, these things take time, take dedication and do not come easy.

anything can interfere with your path, even the smallest of thing, problems with family, a busy life, work, illness...anything.

but here's the thing...your path will never entirely desert you.

you might drift from the path but your path will never desert you.

it will sit snug deep within you like a fox cosy in it its den while your life gently meanders on its way, sitting there all cosy just waiting for you to remember it and to slowly find your way back.

this has been my life for a year now, the gentle meandering from my path. this has happened before but never for this long and never in such a complete way. a lot of this has been to do with my depression, the black dog drags you away from everything that is special in your life, isolates you from it, makes you think that nothing is important anymore. and that's how it was for months, I felt nothing, I had lost all connection, I felt nothing...absolutely nothing. the times of sacred celebrations passed me by without any sense of recognition or feeling. my altar space just sat there gathering dust and my shaman drum hung on it place above my altar un-touched.

as I wrote in my last post the magic of the moongazy gathering helped me find my way back onto my path and since then I have bene making those tentative first steps in re-treading my spiritual path, finding myself back on my soul journey.

the most important part was celebrating the summer solstice in my little wild, sacred garden, for once I was not too unwell or too pulled down by the 'don't care' vibe of depression to go and light a fire in my little cauldron...

I burned some of my star child 'moon' incense to celebrate the joining of the full moon on the summer solstice...

and drummed...

until the full moon slowly rose over the edge of the hollow we live in...

and I started to read my cards again. yesterday I did a four card reading of my shaman oracle cards...

 I feel better, the black dog and the anxiety is still there, but being back on my path and having a sense of connection makes me feel better, I feel almost whole once again.

sunshine & showers

its been a long time again

i have been finding it hard to gather my mojo for anything much

and my words have refused to flow here, although i have managed to fill quite a few pages in my moleskine~mostly connected to my card readings from either my shamans oracle or wild unknown tarot.

i have been having the black dog lurk within my peripheral vision~feels of 'i just cant be bothered', wanting to go to bed at an unnaturally early hour, not eating as i cant be bothered to cook, waking with a feeling of dread even if i am not doing anything that day and more recently random feelings of 'teary'

i know the signs, i have had cyclical depression since my teens (with anxiety and social phobia long before that...goddess i sound a mess!) but i refuse to go to my gp. i have an irrational fear of seeing any doctor, the fear of being told there is nothing wrong with me...the whole 'you dont look sick' thing. 

so i shall bumble along and see how things go. 

the good thing is the weather is slowly, oh so very slowly, getting better. today we have another blue sky day, although it is a little chilly still.

even better the workmen we have had here for weeks and weeks have finally finished which means we can restore our garden back to the beautiful space it was before they arrived and we had to move everything, dismantle the pergola, move the ferret cage...all this has meant that i have not been able to sit in the garden in any way shape or form. 

arghhh its just been awful!

now they have gone, swampy has put up the pergola, the ferret palace is back in place, my chairs, bench, pots are all back in their places as are my assorted green men and woven wreaths hanging with hag stones. 

even better i can now see all the new life springing back to life, pushing up from the damp earth towards the ever growing heat of our brother sun...goddess it feels so good, i cannot tell you how good. the black dog is still lurking though, i don't know when he will decide to trot off...even today with blue sky, sunshine and being able to sit in the garden he sits, very still, deep inside of me and i cannot shake off the little kernel of fear that is sitting with him. 

i wish i knew why...

*****

i bought myself something i have been wanting for a long time...

a red deer skin shaman drum from shamanic drums and rattles

i have been looking at their etsy shop for ages and finally managed to pool enough gifted money...

as soon as i held 'her' in my hands i felt the most amazing connection and looking closely at the markings on the skin had the feeling of the duality of light and dark with what could almost be an image taken from my shamans oracle cards standing between the two.

she sounds beautiful and i have already started to use her when doing a guided visualisation.

i have yet to properly dedicate her as my journeys are being done to find out more about those who have reached out to me over the years...

one day i went through some old photos and found a load of me at glastonbury and the festival c,1990-2, i look so young!

resting my feet with friends katie and jake

the top of the tor~short hair and cape over black leather

i have been exploring elen of the ways for a while now~it feels right living here in this ancient forest where seeing deer is not an impossibility. i have quite a few single antlers and a partial skull with antlers still attached. this i am sure is why i felt so connected to my shaman drum.

last week i went out on a sunny day for a walk with swampy and as we got out of the camper a large herd of deer bounded across the trackway and through the woods in front of us. a few stopped to stare at us before bounding away and they all crossed the nearby stream and vanished from sight.

then as we were walking back we ended up following the tracks of a few deer who had crossed the open land overnight leaving only their tracks, which vanished into the woods where the herd had been a short time earlier...

~thank you~

 

i want to say a big thank you to those who commented on my last post.

i came here today to apologise for writing such a 'down' post.

 

but then i thought no, that's okay, its fine to write down what i am feeling if it reaches out to people and makes them feel not so alone in their situation.

 

 

so...

 

i am getting there, getting there in that i am not going to let this get the better of me.

 

i had a wobble yesterday, a fit of frustration.

i thought i would help swampy out in the garden a bit, the sun was shining and it was warm, it felt nice.

but it seemed everything i did or suggested was 'wrong'~i tried twice, maybe three times and then gave up, not having the guts to explain why i came indoors and slumped on the sofa yet again.

 

it was a really lovely day yesterday and if it were not for the black dog i would have really enjoyed it.

 

i think maybe this fibro flare up is getting me down too.

 

but enough of that.

 

***

 

i have started jani francks

 

creative journaling

 

yesterday (well really today as i was not wanting to be online yesterday) and i am already loving it.

i went mad and bought a moleskine sketchbook for it, which is not so bad as my present moleskine notebook has a paltry two pages left after my last couple of entries have been rather extensive.

there is something special about a really nice journal...

 

***

 

i am excited as i have been invited and  applied for tickets for swampy and i to join the gorsedd of cor gawr at Stonehenge again for the alban hefin/midsummer gorsedd at stonehenge.

remembering the midwinter ritual i just know this one will be special...but getting swampy out of bed and at stonehenge for dawn?

well that will be interesting!

 

***

 

i have moved myself from the sofa into my room and plan on putting some shamanic drumming on and working with some preseli bluestone for the wylde apothecary.

apart from the 'frippery' i have made nothing for days as i have not wanted to work my negativity into my creations, which i think is fair enough.

but today i think its time...its time to override the black dog as much as i can so i shall play my shamanic drumming, burn some Tibetan healing incense and see what the song of the stones tell me to do...

~the wet nose of the black dog~

 

so I have had a break

it wasn't just a break from blogging but from the internet, especially facebook but from the world in general.

 

its that old black dog putting his cold wet nose into my life again...or at least trying to.

 

I suppose it wasn't even a break~i just couldn't do anything.

oh I wanted to but just...couldn't.

 

i think i spent five days just on the sofa, not being able to focus on anything at all, wanting to do plenty but my heart and my mind were not in it.

 

its still there but today i forced myself into my room to catch up with friends on facebook and do some crafting...but really my heart has not been in it and all i created was something i am calling a 'frippery' something that is so far removed from the things i usually create that i will not even be putting it up for sale.

 

i am feeing so frustrated

 

i knew i was heading in this direction when a few weeks ago i started to wake up with a familiar feeling of dread/anxiety in my stomach...a feeling i knew so well.

the last time i woke like this i ended up one morning, dressed and ready for work with my car keys in my hand, sitting on the end of the bed in floods of tears, not able to leave my home.

i ended that episode, which lasted about 3 years, on lithium, which i stopped taking, and a year down the line i was back at work.

 

this past week i have wanted to spend my time shut away in bed with the covers over my head but i have been forcing myself up and trying hard to be...normal.

 

but this is my normal,

 well part of my normal anyway...i was writing in my journal last night...i think genetics has a big part to play in my depressive/anxiety ridden personality...

 

i sit and remember the depressive episodes my dad had where he would lock himself away in his own craft room and paint or read.

my aunty had an episode and was, i believe, sectioned for a while as she was a danger to herself.

my great, great, great granddad george chandler was, in 1871, listed in the census as an inmate of the Wiltshire county lunatic asylum  as a 'lunatic'...probably, i feel, some form of depression.

 

while not depressive my mum is a very anxious person and it is from she i get my ocd...yes i have that too.

 

on that note feel that is it for today...