so I have had a break
it wasn't just a break from blogging but from the internet, especially facebook but from the world in general.
its that old black dog putting his cold wet nose into my life again...or at least trying to.
I suppose it wasn't even a break~i just couldn't do anything.
oh I wanted to but just...couldn't.
i think i spent five days just on the sofa, not being able to focus on anything at all, wanting to do plenty but my heart and my mind were not in it.
its still there but today i forced myself into my room to catch up with friends on facebook and do some crafting...but really my heart has not been in it and all i created was something i am calling a 'frippery' something that is so far removed from the things i usually create that i will not even be putting it up for sale.
i am feeing so frustrated
i knew i was heading in this direction when a few weeks ago i started to wake up with a familiar feeling of dread/anxiety in my stomach...a feeling i knew so well.
the last time i woke like this i ended up one morning, dressed and ready for work with my car keys in my hand, sitting on the end of the bed in floods of tears, not able to leave my home.
i ended that episode, which lasted about 3 years, on lithium, which i stopped taking, and a year down the line i was back at work.
this past week i have wanted to spend my time shut away in bed with the covers over my head but i have been forcing myself up and trying hard to be...normal.
but this is my normal,
well part of my normal anyway...i was writing in my journal last night...i think genetics has a big part to play in my depressive/anxiety ridden personality...
i sit and remember the depressive episodes my dad had where he would lock himself away in his own craft room and paint or read.
my aunty had an episode and was, i believe, sectioned for a while as she was a danger to herself.
my great, great, great granddad george chandler was, in 1871, listed in the census as an inmate of the Wiltshire county lunatic asylum as a 'lunatic'...probably, i feel, some form of depression.
while not depressive my mum is a very anxious person and it is from she i get my ocd...yes i have that too.
on that note feel that is it for today...