~re-treading the path~

finding a path is never easy, keeping to a path is never easy and its easy to become distracted.

like anything in this world finding and remaining on a sacred path is one that constantly needs work, these things take time, take dedication and do not come easy.

anything can interfere with your path, even the smallest of thing, problems with family, a busy life, work, illness...anything.

but here's the thing...your path will never entirely desert you.

you might drift from the path but your path will never desert you.

it will sit snug deep within you like a fox cosy in it its den while your life gently meanders on its way, sitting there all cosy just waiting for you to remember it and to slowly find your way back.

this has been my life for a year now, the gentle meandering from my path. this has happened before but never for this long and never in such a complete way. a lot of this has been to do with my depression, the black dog drags you away from everything that is special in your life, isolates you from it, makes you think that nothing is important anymore. and that's how it was for months, I felt nothing, I had lost all connection, I felt nothing...absolutely nothing. the times of sacred celebrations passed me by without any sense of recognition or feeling. my altar space just sat there gathering dust and my shaman drum hung on it place above my altar un-touched.

as I wrote in my last post the magic of the moongazy gathering helped me find my way back onto my path and since then I have bene making those tentative first steps in re-treading my spiritual path, finding myself back on my soul journey.

the most important part was celebrating the summer solstice in my little wild, sacred garden, for once I was not too unwell or too pulled down by the 'don't care' vibe of depression to go and light a fire in my little cauldron...

I burned some of my star child 'moon' incense to celebrate the joining of the full moon on the summer solstice...

and drummed...

until the full moon slowly rose over the edge of the hollow we live in...

and I started to read my cards again. yesterday I did a four card reading of my shaman oracle cards...

 I feel better, the black dog and the anxiety is still there, but being back on my path and having a sense of connection makes me feel better, I feel almost whole once again.

~moongazy gathering~part two...glastonbury~

as ever, while camped up in our little community near avebury glastonbury beckoned...how could it not?

although swampy and i live a two hour drive away daily life gets in the way and we don't visit as often as either of us would like. many of our friends do not even have the luxury of a short two hour trip and so make the most of being so close during the gathering.

this time there ended up being about 8 different groups of us that made our way there. we left early to be sure of being able to park at the car park near the abbey. having flynt with us i like to park up where it is fairly easy to keep an eye on the camper if we leave flynt to have an hours nap (weather permitting) while we shop together

true to form the tor drew us in like some wonderful beacon, i spotted it much earlier than this when it was a speck on the horizon

the day that started quite cloudy so brought us blue sky

we all met in the courtyard of the blue note for tea, coffee, cake and the most gorgeous potato wedges with garlic mayonnaise

then after another look around it was time to head back to camp for more camp fires, music and laughter.

photo courtesy of my lovely dandelion moon

bedtime card reading

sunshine & showers

its been a long time again

i have been finding it hard to gather my mojo for anything much

and my words have refused to flow here, although i have managed to fill quite a few pages in my moleskine~mostly connected to my card readings from either my shamans oracle or wild unknown tarot.

i have been having the black dog lurk within my peripheral vision~feels of 'i just cant be bothered', wanting to go to bed at an unnaturally early hour, not eating as i cant be bothered to cook, waking with a feeling of dread even if i am not doing anything that day and more recently random feelings of 'teary'

i know the signs, i have had cyclical depression since my teens (with anxiety and social phobia long before that...goddess i sound a mess!) but i refuse to go to my gp. i have an irrational fear of seeing any doctor, the fear of being told there is nothing wrong with me...the whole 'you dont look sick' thing. 

so i shall bumble along and see how things go. 

the good thing is the weather is slowly, oh so very slowly, getting better. today we have another blue sky day, although it is a little chilly still.

even better the workmen we have had here for weeks and weeks have finally finished which means we can restore our garden back to the beautiful space it was before they arrived and we had to move everything, dismantle the pergola, move the ferret cage...all this has meant that i have not been able to sit in the garden in any way shape or form. 

arghhh its just been awful!

now they have gone, swampy has put up the pergola, the ferret palace is back in place, my chairs, bench, pots are all back in their places as are my assorted green men and woven wreaths hanging with hag stones. 

even better i can now see all the new life springing back to life, pushing up from the damp earth towards the ever growing heat of our brother sun...goddess it feels so good, i cannot tell you how good. the black dog is still lurking though, i don't know when he will decide to trot off...even today with blue sky, sunshine and being able to sit in the garden he sits, very still, deep inside of me and i cannot shake off the little kernel of fear that is sitting with him. 

i wish i knew why...

*****

i bought myself something i have been wanting for a long time...

a red deer skin shaman drum from shamanic drums and rattles

i have been looking at their etsy shop for ages and finally managed to pool enough gifted money...

as soon as i held 'her' in my hands i felt the most amazing connection and looking closely at the markings on the skin had the feeling of the duality of light and dark with what could almost be an image taken from my shamans oracle cards standing between the two.

she sounds beautiful and i have already started to use her when doing a guided visualisation.

i have yet to properly dedicate her as my journeys are being done to find out more about those who have reached out to me over the years...

one day i went through some old photos and found a load of me at glastonbury and the festival c,1990-2, i look so young!

resting my feet with friends katie and jake

the top of the tor~short hair and cape over black leather

i have been exploring elen of the ways for a while now~it feels right living here in this ancient forest where seeing deer is not an impossibility. i have quite a few single antlers and a partial skull with antlers still attached. this i am sure is why i felt so connected to my shaman drum.

last week i went out on a sunny day for a walk with swampy and as we got out of the camper a large herd of deer bounded across the trackway and through the woods in front of us. a few stopped to stare at us before bounding away and they all crossed the nearby stream and vanished from sight.

then as we were walking back we ended up following the tracks of a few deer who had crossed the open land overnight leaving only their tracks, which vanished into the woods where the herd had been a short time earlier...

~solstice blessings~

*brightest Solstice blessings*

 to all those who stop by to read this blog

artist signed as EFB

i am up before dawn, sitting in the light of my yule tree, waiting a bit longer before i carry my candle lit lantern and cauldron of incense into the garden for dawn.

my little village sits in a natural bowl and my little home on the hill that leads down to it so any sunrise comes to me a little late, although this morning i believe it has been a cloudy night and will be a cloudy dawn with no sign of the spark of the returning light~apart from the spark that i feel within me.

now we are all going to slowly awake from from the winter darkness and bring into being those dreams we have been incubating over the dark months. the inspiration and wisdom we have found from our dark inner journeys  can be brought out and and allowed to grow in the new light.

our visions can be birthed.

sunset last night was cold and almost clear and i was out saying a first farewell to the darkness...

and at bedtime i thought it was time to take one card from the wild unknown tarot after months of getting to know the cards...

the daughter of swords

honest

insightful

however and where ever you celebrate the winter/summer solstice may all your intentions find the light

~mabon blessings~

here we are at the turn of the wheel as we celebrate mabon, the autumn equinox.

last night i did a full five card reading of my shamans oracle asking about my path through the coming dark months ahead of us.

this morning i was hanging out washing under the brilliant blue sky, brother sun is not giving out his heat as strongly now, but my washing is still drying under his gaze.

i gazed around at my garden, at the final bursts of colour that are still attracting the bee's, at the seed heads, at the growth that has become brown and is returning to the earth, at the grass that is patchy, the seed pods hanging from the sweet pea i had growing in an old milk churn.

there is a stillness i am enjoying, this ancient forest is slowly shaking off the tourists that take over each year and when walking through the woods the air is no longer rent with shouting, talking...

i have been away from here as we had our yearly trip to the malverns for busfest where i relished living in Lilith for ten days~days that i spent reading, cycling around the show ground, sitting with friends around a fire in the evening...

 i put up my bunting made by robyn, my soul syster...

set up my altar space...

coming home i keenly feel the loss of having friends around me, its the same feeling i have after the moongazy gathering each may.

to come home to my real, solitary life where i become just the cared for/the carer.

i miss the conversation and laughter of others, the laughter around the fire as night falls, music...so much.

here, now i feel i have no direction and no purposeful life and i am struggling.

right now i am struggling not to lock myself in my bedroom and cry-as i said, struggling.

one bright spark was my sister bring me these back from San Francisco for me...

i have wanted this deck for a long, long time but held back ordering them online because i was not sure of customs. when i heard S was off to America and having her usual few days in San Francisco i was leaping for joy when i found three stores in the city selling this tarot.

they are such a beautiful deck and i am getting to know them a little each day.