over the last few months i have not been...right
not myself
not on the outside
nor even just below the surface
but deep inside of me
spiraling
sometimes i feel as if i am back to being a teenager, being told what to do, it feels like me is being slowly stripped away until there is nothing left but a husk of me, a husk that obeys and keeps quiet to keep peace
i have slowly become more tearful~sometimes for no reason other than because i feel so awfully, dreadfully fed up~i sit here now holding back the tears
there are times when i can no longer force myself to smile, even if its a pretend smile, i just want to sit and not be
or the easier thing of going to bed to sleep so everything goes away and i can lose myself in dreams-bed time is a relief of laying in the dark with my radio
some mornings i wish i could just continue sleeping so i didnt have to think
its hard seeing people, although luckily i dont see many, and having to slip into my happy personality~i just want to be
i no longer feel i have the energy to spare on being the pretend me
sometimes i feel as if i am back to being a teenager, being told what to do, it feels like me is being slowly stripped away until there is nothing left but a husk of me, a husk that obeys and keeps quiet to keep peace
i have slowly become more tearful~sometimes for no reason other than because i feel so awfully, dreadfully fed up~i sit here now holding back the tears
there are times when i can no longer force myself to smile, even if its a pretend smile, i just want to sit and not be
or the easier thing of going to bed to sleep so everything goes away and i can lose myself in dreams-bed time is a relief of laying in the dark with my radio
some mornings i wish i could just continue sleeping so i didnt have to think
its hard seeing people, although luckily i dont see many, and having to slip into my happy personality~i just want to be
i no longer feel i have the energy to spare on being the pretend me
6 comments:
Have you talked to Swampy about this Laoi? It sounds as though you need some help though I'm sure a lot of it is the cold and short days of the winter affecting you. Do talk about this to someone though. Life is full of wonderful things, try and think about all the nice things in your life - Cody, the beauty of the countryside around you and many other things I'm sure. Take care.
I felt like this about 10 years ago poppet and finally went to see my doctor after much sadness. At the time I had a very pressured job, my Dad was very ill and the doctor said, you've burnt yourself out. I walked from my job, reassessed my life and what I wanted and never looked back. I still have my sad times (PND was a shocker)but nothing like as bad as I was. Talk to someone, who isn't close to you, a doctor, the Samaritans, when you feel more in control of your sadness, you will start feeling like yourself again.
twiggy x
Yes I agree with twiggypeasticks and rowan. Those things you wrote about, it sounds like depression; perhaps you should think about doing something differently, or perhaps going on a little trip away for a few days would do the trick. I know that with your not wanting to see people this sounds like madness but I’ve been depressed and you have to force yourself to meet new people and do new things; Always a better solution than medication.
I am similar to you.. I use to think I was manic depressive or bi-polar but then discovered the Moon affects me and I have slowly learned to be with it.. a book called Dark nights of the soul by Thomas Moore has helped me alot..
you say that you want to be you.. the real you, the authentic you... another book that has helped me is Simple Abundance.. a brilliant book...
it is a difficult path that we walk dear Laoi... but I am here with you.. an email away, just like you have been for me in the past xo ~ sending much love & light to you always
I wonder if it could be connected to your M.E...Do you also feel like your in a trance sometimes and things happening around you are surreal.And, that although you love your family and they are there for you , still feel in some way isolated or controlled? I ask, as a dear friend has ME and empathises with your situation.I too hope that you are soon feeling back to your own self Laoi...big hug xx
I hope it helps to know that there are many of us out here in blogland sending you love & blessings.
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