~serendipity~

this post was originally written in august and has been sitting in draft until today

the very few of you I strongly feel I can trust and I have allowed to continue to read my thoughts here, you may feel its an odd thing to post so publicly but I have had to block some people access to my blog so I can post freely, which I feel is my right.

I am using the phrase

to hell in a handbasket

to describe my life as it is now.

firstly I need to say that my relationship with K is not perfect, but hey what relationships really are?

we have been together for 17 years and in the early years I experienced online infidelity but stuck in there with threats of leaving him. then slowly our relationship changed and for the last 8 years we have been living more as housemates as opposed to in a proper loving relationship.

as time went on the way he spoke to me changed, he would constantly talk down to me, correct me for the slightest thing, at times loudly when out in public, if I did something that wasn't his way I would be lectured and when I railed against it he would become cross, saying everything he did was for my own good and all I can do I reject his help.

I started to feel battered into the ground.

occasionally there would be bursts of sudden rage that would scare me. although he never touched me, this rage made me wonder deep down if he might one day.

I stared to spend more time in the bedroom, watching tv or taking my laptop, books and journals. we stopped going to for fun things, even something as small as going to a local café and may times I thought how good it would be to be alone, to not have to wonder if my next comment would be corrected or demeaned. i often wondered, secretly hoped, that he would leave.
I felt guilty for feeling like this, dreadfully guilty.

today I am still not sleeping, not eating and constantly feel sick and anxious and to be honest I am not a nice person right now, well I don't think I am.

I am meeting my very own demons at this point in time and it is so difficult.
I am in a place I never thought I would find myself for all the tea in china, despite living with what I have described above for so long.
as one I find myself in despair, exhilarated, sad, hopeful, confused.

***

its all down to the man I have come to call my serendipity

of course it is

P, who we have known for many years and re-connected with in the middle of Derbyshire. in that weird, serendipitous moment when we were running hours late, he had left work at a different time, we faced bad traffic and an accident...and yet there he was on a roundabout, behind a random VW camper and he just thought 'it might be...' after seeing what he jokingly called 'all the hippie shit on the back' and packed to the gunnels.

we have always had a soft spot for each other, almost from the moment we first met, and it has not diminished over the years, in fact it feels as if it has grown stronger over the time we have not been in each others lives.

***

physically meeting him again was like the turning on of the lights of the universe, instant, immediate

I stepped around the back of the camper along a tiny, hedgerow enclosed lane and saw him standing there and like two forces coming together we hugged as if it were the end of the world, literally.

and we didn't stop

we would draw apart to talk but then look into each others eyes and smile, laugh and hug again

he whispered into my ear
you look beautiful

words I have not had whispered into my ear

we drew apart but left our arms around each others waists, not even aware we were doing so, not wanting to break contact

we hugged, laughed, smiled

we drew apart and he rested both hands on my waist, staring into my eyes, still smiling, his dark eyes so bright

it felt like we were the only two people there, even when it started to rain down on us we just stood there, close, as if were the most natural position to be in, wanting to keep our personal space joined


but of course we were not alone, there was a third person and we were acting as if he were not there. not intentionally, never intentionally, but for that moment nothing else existed in the world but us.
when it came to part we held on tight, joking...

me~can we take him with us?!
him to K~you know I have always fancied your missus!

but of course we had to say goodbye and it was painful. we promised to keep in touch and joked about stalking via facebook.

and he was gone

and me? well sitting back in the camper I felt I was fizzing and could think of nothing else other than that which just happened, of him and the lights of the universe coming on.
in a quiet moment at camp I confided in my friends about him and how much i liked him and told them of our meeting.
I held out until the next morning to send him a message and from that point we haven't stopped.


that feeling of fizzing has not stopped nearly three weeks down the line. we are in touch online, speaking every day. sometimes just a few words, sometimes conversations, some just everyday, some heart breaking.

***