~october~

so here I am again, but you will find a whole new me existing in this world

so much has changed in my life, it feels as if I have been re-born,

that I have emerged from a catalyst and am finding myself with new horizons ahead of me.

of course this could not take place without the biggest of upheavals.

I couldn't see myself reaching my 50th birthday feeling so undermined and trapped and unhappy and

I could not keep my life as it was when my heart was so obviously elsewhere.

I couldn't do it and it wasn't fair to K either

I also couldn't have my love existing elsewhere and so I had to end my 17 year relationship.

it didn't happen overnight and was one of the hardest things I have done, but also one of the most 'right' things I have done.

I can't say that my life has been instantly turned around because it hasn't, far from it. but I am happy, happier than I have for many years and I have regained my freedom, my independence.

P is still in my life, of course he is, and we are oh so gently orbiting each other.

we both now know exactly how we feel for each other because circumstances had us exchanging a few, long, very heartfelt messages back in September.

it reached the point where, although we both knew of each others feelings, for me I had to explain it with some clarity.

the heartfelt messages helped us both with what we were feeling and also set some boundaries~namely that we need to re-build our friendship before getting into anything that would destroy what we have, that we both have 'baggage' that needs to heal, plus to say nothing of the complication of living over 200 miles apart.

so I exist in a state of what I call

softly, softly, catchee monkey

my life is a semi limbo of joy~of knowing how P feels for me, of waiting~waiting for who knows how long for things to move, even a little, further forward, of sadness and frustration~knowing you belong with this one person and loving and wanting to be with them so badly it is a constant physical hurt. my every waking moment has him in the background like some radar I cannot turn off.

of course I now have many other joys in my life that are incredibly  important

I have control of my life, of my own money, of my time and what I choose to do with it and more importantly I will soon be in possession of a car, which means for the first time in over 8 years I will be independently mobile~no longer having to rely on someone else to take me the places I need to get to. which means my world will be opened up. I will be able to visit friends and, excitingly, drive myself to concerts~in fact i already have tickets to see Echo and the Bunnymen in November and Seth Lakeman in December.

I can see how, to some people out there, these small achievements will seem just that, small, but to me they are huge, like tall beautiful mountains of achievement that stand before me, that I know I can climb with joy in my heart.

~serendipity~

this post was originally written in august and has been sitting in draft until today

the very few of you I strongly feel I can trust and I have allowed to continue to read my thoughts here, you may feel its an odd thing to post so publicly but I have had to block some people access to my blog so I can post freely, which I feel is my right.

I am using the phrase

to hell in a handbasket

to describe my life as it is now.

firstly I need to say that my relationship with K is not perfect, but hey what relationships really are?

we have been together for 17 years and in the early years I experienced online infidelity but stuck in there with threats of leaving him. then slowly our relationship changed and for the last 8 years we have been living more as housemates as opposed to in a proper loving relationship.

as time went on the way he spoke to me changed, he would constantly talk down to me, correct me for the slightest thing, at times loudly when out in public, if I did something that wasn't his way I would be lectured and when I railed against it he would become cross, saying everything he did was for my own good and all I can do I reject his help.

I started to feel battered into the ground.

occasionally there would be bursts of sudden rage that would scare me. although he never touched me, this rage made me wonder deep down if he might one day.

I stared to spend more time in the bedroom, watching tv or taking my laptop, books and journals. we stopped going to for fun things, even something as small as going to a local café and may times I thought how good it would be to be alone, to not have to wonder if my next comment would be corrected or demeaned. i often wondered, secretly hoped, that he would leave.
I felt guilty for feeling like this, dreadfully guilty.

today I am still not sleeping, not eating and constantly feel sick and anxious and to be honest I am not a nice person right now, well I don't think I am.

I am meeting my very own demons at this point in time and it is so difficult.
I am in a place I never thought I would find myself for all the tea in china, despite living with what I have described above for so long.
as one I find myself in despair, exhilarated, sad, hopeful, confused.

***

its all down to the man I have come to call my serendipity

of course it is

P, who we have known for many years and re-connected with in the middle of Derbyshire. in that weird, serendipitous moment when we were running hours late, he had left work at a different time, we faced bad traffic and an accident...and yet there he was on a roundabout, behind a random VW camper and he just thought 'it might be...' after seeing what he jokingly called 'all the hippie shit on the back' and packed to the gunnels.

we have always had a soft spot for each other, almost from the moment we first met, and it has not diminished over the years, in fact it feels as if it has grown stronger over the time we have not been in each others lives.

***

physically meeting him again was like the turning on of the lights of the universe, instant, immediate

I stepped around the back of the camper along a tiny, hedgerow enclosed lane and saw him standing there and like two forces coming together we hugged as if it were the end of the world, literally.

and we didn't stop

we would draw apart to talk but then look into each others eyes and smile, laugh and hug again

he whispered into my ear
you look beautiful

words I have not had whispered into my ear

we drew apart but left our arms around each others waists, not even aware we were doing so, not wanting to break contact

we hugged, laughed, smiled

we drew apart and he rested both hands on my waist, staring into my eyes, still smiling, his dark eyes so bright

it felt like we were the only two people there, even when it started to rain down on us we just stood there, close, as if were the most natural position to be in, wanting to keep our personal space joined


but of course we were not alone, there was a third person and we were acting as if he were not there. not intentionally, never intentionally, but for that moment nothing else existed in the world but us.
when it came to part we held on tight, joking...

me~can we take him with us?!
him to K~you know I have always fancied your missus!

but of course we had to say goodbye and it was painful. we promised to keep in touch and joked about stalking via facebook.

and he was gone

and me? well sitting back in the camper I felt I was fizzing and could think of nothing else other than that which just happened, of him and the lights of the universe coming on.
in a quiet moment at camp I confided in my friends about him and how much i liked him and told them of our meeting.
I held out until the next morning to send him a message and from that point we haven't stopped.


that feeling of fizzing has not stopped nearly three weeks down the line. we are in touch online, speaking every day. sometimes just a few words, sometimes conversations, some just everyday, some heart breaking.

***

~turning again~

here I am again, this time a few days home from Lammas Camp up in beautiful Derbyshire.

it was my first Lammas Camp and it took me some years worth of needling to get there (I drive but haven't for a while and so driving myself hasn't been an option) but I got there.

but first let me tell you of the oddest thing that happened when I was nearly there...

we were running two hours late, had been caught in traffic and then, suddenly, caught in slow moving traffic we noticed the road had been closed because of an accident while at the same time swampy mentioned to me (comfortably snuggled up in the back of the camper) that there was some 'nobber' either driving too close or trying to overtake. when the car drew up beside us there was a figure waving at us frantically and it was P who we had not seen for many years.

we took the detour road and stopped and had the most amazing reunion right there on the side of a tiny lane in deepest Derbyshire.

we have known P for many years through the vw scene, I have been counting back to when I first had my old vw bay window and the first camp I joined...on a really damp, chilly weekend here in the new forest...and I figure it was around 2000 or 2001.

our paths crossed many times over the years and then we stopped going to most vw events and his life took him in a different direction too and I honestly thought our paths would never cross again.

so in a truly serendipitous moment when we were running late, he was running late from work and we had been caught in traffic we finally connected on a roundabout in Derbyshire.

life is strange~he is my serendipity

Lammas Camp was a glorious event, a small gathering held on a small organic farm high on a hill

prudence all set up and cosy...

my tribe, my spiritual family were there with me. we camped together, set up our firepits in a small circle and lived our own idyllic life for a few precious days. no electric, no heat apart from the heat generated by our fires and glorious views and so much laughter I often ached from it. there was also much heart felt conversation, hugs and tears.

my friend nacht was there selling his beautiful copper wares from Emporium Nocturnum so I added to my Hecate's Wheel with a copper and silver Mjolnir...

next to the camp was a high hill that had the most amazing views and as a group we would walk up there every day to talk and explore. then each morning, waking early, I would hike up there in my pyjamas and sit and talk to any of the old goddesses and gods who happened to be listening. putting my thoughts and dreams into the passing breeze, hoping I would be heard...

my beautiful systers, I love them so very much...

on the last morning I was awake really early, the wind was blowing a gale, the canvas walls of prudence flapping like sails on a ship. all I could do was make coffee by lantern and listen...

 then I made my way up my hill...

 it was a wild, noisy time with the wind raging through the beech trees but I still put my voice to the wind where the words were carried off, tumbling to be heard by whoever.

then it was down to pack down prudence and pack everything into the camper, leaving me with my nest in the back, surrounded by rugs and wicker baskets holding the stuff of everyday life...tin mugs, an old camp cooker, a battered old Aga kettle and there was me, resplendent in my orange trousers and green mary jane's.
I felt sad, close to tears, I didn't want to leave this beautiful place, my beautiful tribe, my beautiful systers to who I shared my heart and soul, but home I had to travel

back home I maintain my routine of getting out as early as possible to send my thoughts, hopes and dreams into the sky surrounded in my garden by rowan, oak and birch...

I am going through a bout of insomnia at the moment, its lasted since Friday and finds me sleeping only a few hours and so getting into my garden at the liminal time of dawn has me feeling the shift that has taken place since Lammas.

its only small shift, most people are still enjoying what they call summer, but I see and feel deeper. I can smell it, see it, feel it. the great wheel has turned and we are closer to the darker months. in my garden I see the changes in the plants, while my lemon verbena is flourishing my lovage has gone over, while the birds foot trefoil runs rampant the leaves of the silver birch are slowly turning from green to brown and ripe berries hang heavy from the rowan.

I am feeling sad and teary today, the kind of sadness that makes me want to sit in the garden with a book and do nothing, not talk, eat or drink, just sit there and just be.

I know the source of this sadness but for now this must sit within my soul and wait out what may or may not occur. I know what I want to occur, something I want with all of my heart, with all of my soul, deep to the core of my very being.

I am in a limbo created out of serendipity and all I can do is wait...