~a love story~

so much has changed since my last post here

my life has followed some tangled webs and I have shed many, many tears but finally come out the other end.

~September-October~

I went to Scotland in mid-September for 16 days to stay with my dad while my step-mum was visiting my step-brother in Australia. while there P slowly started to increasingly withdraw from any online contact and I figured that he was having problems and hiding himself away.

during that time I realised that while there was the strong connection that we both acknowledge existed between us was too much 'baggage', way too much baggage for either of us to cope with having such a physical distance between us.
one day I walked up into the hills behind my dads home and wept the whole way, really wept, I felt bereft because I finally realised I was chasing something that I honestly felt would never happen, that I could not just wait and wait, watching my life pass me by, possibly for nothing.
I reached the top of the hill, sat on a high dry stone wall and still I wept...wept for what could have been, for the dream of an 'us' that would never happen.
when I walked back down that hill some hours later, freezing cold and wrung out of tears I felt strong and brave. ready to move on from my dream into reality.


~November~

from almost out of nowhere came M.
my friend T suggested that I 'put myself out there' on an online dating site, I was honestly unsure and suspicious, but I registered...even now I don't know why I did it.
then one day a photograph came up of a serious, bearded man, with absolutely no information on his profile, unlike my essay that was horribly honest...probably to put men off me.

but there was something about this picture that drew me, I wrote and discarded four messages to him before actually sending one and I didn't think I would hear anything back once he read my profile. however the next night, the 12th November, I was sitting reading when he messaged me, we spoke for a short while then he went off and I was sure I would hear nothing more. but the next day he appeared again and again I was sure I would never hear back from him, his way of messaging appeared very abrupt almost awkward. But again the next day he returned, then again the next day, then again the next day...
seven days later in a fit of anxiety about whether he even liked me I sent him a long message explaining I liked him, that I hoped he wasn't just being polite in talking to me but included my mobile phone number.
I sent it and immediately panicked and spent the whole day in a tangle of emotions, convinced I had scared him off.
that night my phone rang and I answered, not thinking and a voice went 'hello punkwitch'...my nickname I took after shedding the name solsticedreamer (that in itself is another story for another day) and it was him saying thank you for the message and how beautiful and honest he found it.


10th of January 2017...

not a day has passed since the 12th November that we have not messaged each other...
on the 26th November we spent the day and evening together and I met his brother and sister in law.
the phone calls started and we spend hours talking.
on the weekend of the 10th of December we had our first weekend together
On boxing day he came, with a gift of a beautiful pair of blue DM boots, and stayed with me for three days
New Years Eve we drove up to Scotland so he could meet my dad and step-mum. he explained he was 'old school' and it was out of respect for my dad because he was seeing his daughter.
we spent New Years Eve sleeping in his motorhome on the shores of Clatteringshaws Loch in the Galloway Dark Sky Park.
the following Friday and Saturday, in the space of 24 hours, we spoke on the phone for ten hours

we are planning holidays in the summer to Cornwall and Scotland
we are planning to visit a canal boat festival because his ultimate aim is to buy and live on a canal boat and he has already spoken about this life event with me being in it with him.

this man,
this burly, bearded man with tattoos and pony tail, who lives in a big Mercedes motorhome and spends his week days driving a massive 44 ton truck around the country has without doubt become the complete and utter love of my life.
he is handsome, with glorious bright blue eyes, a beautiful smile and is kind, sweet, funny, generous

but it is more than that, much more than that
he once messaged saying
'have we known each other forever?'
it feels that way, it feels he has become part of my very soul, part of the essence of my being


21st February...

my M is still part of my life, and becoming a bigger part of my life every day that passes.
we still message every single day, talk on the phone when we don't see each other at weekends...but importantly we are able to see each other more at weekends and this is my new story...