~my small life~ part one

i say part one because i am clock-watching and may not get time to finish all i have to say in my limited time this morning...

my small life...

i thought these words as i walked down the steep, narrow stairs from my kitchen, mug of tea in hand, still in pyjamas, wrapped in a yak wool shawl, birkenstocks keeping my feet off the chill of the floor.

it was 6am i was headed back to bed with my tea for a couple of hours before my day really begins.

as those words entered my mind i knew i had to blog those words and everything associated with them, so back in bed i turned my laptop on and opened blogger for the first time in a year.

my small life...

my life has changed so much, all in positive ways and i am incredibly happy. i still get the black dog lurking, i still get days where i wake with almost paralyzing anxiety, but i am happy and since moving into the cottage i am content.

what i realised yesterday while sitting in my garden with my habitual mug of tea, listening to the birds, watching Arthur stalk the grass, was that i am living my life, i am living my life exactly the way i want to live my life.

everything here is me, you will walk in and see me reflecting in everything you see...writing this i realise that i need photos to explain it better...but that will have to wait for now.

i am finally in what i actually call my dream home~i have lived in the new forest for my whole life and have ancestors in the north of the forest going back hundreds of years so i feel very connected to the land. i have my own garden and that dream woodburner and more  importantly i can have my home as i wish.

i know that sounds a bit crazy but after so many years with someone who became increasing more dictatorial its important to me and it wasn't something i felt i had over the last two years. i think it has taken me two years to get used to the idea that i can please myself, that i am living alone in my own home and don't have to seek approval for my choices. even choices in buying things.

my small life...

i can stack my books how i like on my three bookcases...no-one to tell me they are untidy

i can stay up beyond 9pm without an angry face asking why i am not asleep

i can  buy whatever i like without being told 'no we are broke' or 'you have to sell something to buy new shoes/bag'

i can wash up and leave my dishes in the drainer

i can listen to my music...loud

i can grow my garden as i want to and allow the 'weeds' to flourish...

on that note my clock is telling me its time to get dressed and drive my little car across the forest, so come back soon for part 2