~my small life~ part one

i say part one because i am clock-watching and may not get time to finish all i have to say in my limited time this morning...

my small life...

i thought these words as i walked down the steep, narrow stairs from my kitchen, mug of tea in hand, still in pyjamas, wrapped in a yak wool shawl, birkenstocks keeping my feet off the chill of the floor.

it was 6am i was headed back to bed with my tea for a couple of hours before my day really begins.

as those words entered my mind i knew i had to blog those words and everything associated with them, so back in bed i turned my laptop on and opened blogger for the first time in a year.

my small life...

my life has changed so much, all in positive ways and i am incredibly happy. i still get the black dog lurking, i still get days where i wake with almost paralyzing anxiety, but i am happy and since moving into the cottage i am content.

what i realised yesterday while sitting in my garden with my habitual mug of tea, listening to the birds, watching Arthur stalk the grass, was that i am living my life, i am living my life exactly the way i want to live my life.

everything here is me, you will walk in and see me reflecting in everything you see...writing this i realise that i need photos to explain it better...but that will have to wait for now.

i am finally in what i actually call my dream home~i have lived in the new forest for my whole life and have ancestors in the north of the forest going back hundreds of years so i feel very connected to the land. i have my own garden and that dream woodburner and more  importantly i can have my home as i wish.

i know that sounds a bit crazy but after so many years with someone who became increasing more dictatorial its important to me and it wasn't something i felt i had over the last two years. i think it has taken me two years to get used to the idea that i can please myself, that i am living alone in my own home and don't have to seek approval for my choices. even choices in buying things.

my small life...

i can stack my books how i like on my three bookcases...no-one to tell me they are untidy

i can stay up beyond 9pm without an angry face asking why i am not asleep

i can  buy whatever i like without being told 'no we are broke' or 'you have to sell something to buy new shoes/bag'

i can wash up and leave my dishes in the drainer

i can listen to my music...loud

i can grow my garden as i want to and allow the 'weeds' to flourish...

on that note my clock is telling me its time to get dressed and drive my little car across the forest, so come back soon for part 2 

~notes from a sick bed~

So here i sit

i have been unwell for a few weeks and with the appearance of a rash and my own personal lightbulb moment of 'shingles' i find myself having to take a high dose anti-viral every four hours and have taken the decision to stay home from work for a couple of days.

so in true hygge fashion i have made my little attic bedroom a little cosy haven for the next two days-plumped up my pillows, laid out my quilt and favourite blanket. my radio is playing the ever present Classic FM, my lamp is casting a cosy glow and through the slightly open window i can hear the old, hanging shop signs swinging in the breeze that is coming up the river from the Solent, half a mile away and in the lull between songs and chatter i can hear the wind blowing through the rigging of the ever present yachts and fishing boats. 

i know i will actually become board with this enforced rest, i am used to busy days and i argued with myself about staying home-but i know that, this being my second bout of shingles in about 6 months i need to be realistic and look after myself.

i am still smiling from a beautiful weekend with my North Star~once again we camped out in Big Bertha at Keyhaven Marshes...

this is without doubt our favourite  place to camp outside of Glastonbury. While it is only a few miles from my home on the old town quay it feels as if we are miles away and we adore it whatever the weather.

it is here that we find we can open up and talk honestly about our relationship-not being able to hide behind text, email or the phone. 

he is finally opening up about why it has taken him so long to really open up and settle into our relationship and to be honest it was of no surprise to me~the two appalling marriages made him totally untrusting of women and the eight years he spent alone, combined with his solitary job made him happy...well maybe not happy, but comfortable being alone.

and then i happened

this weekend, as we approach our 17th month together, he told me that what won him over was my patience with him, that i didn't rush or try to push him into being a couple~that we went at his pace, the pace that made him comfortable and he was slowly able to trust me...

~time~

where does the time go? 

how has it been since my last post all these days~weeks have drifted away?

how easy it is to let the time drift away like leaves in a slowly moving stream and forget...

of course not everything is forgotten...

i sit here, tucked under my covers in bed, up in the roof of my old home overlooking the cobbles, my hand curled around my second mug of tea, Classic FM, as usual, coming from my radio. its just getting light and the sky over the old town quay is dark grey and full of rain.

time passes quickly in my new life. 

i have been here for nearly a year now and my life has its weekly routine of work, shopping, housework, my studies and taking my mum out and about. in the evenings its all about cooking and getting myself settled down with a book and my ever present radio.

my weekends are all about my tramper.

my beautiful, blue eyed, rough voiced, truck driving boy

we have just passed through the most difficult week of our 14 month relationship, when it had reached the stage of perfection i could have only dreamed of a year ago. we spent the most wonderful nine days together over yule and on new years eve in the space of a couple of hours it went from perfection to him nearly ending it and last week we barely spoke.

i wont go into it now, the hurt is still there but slowly fading for both of us and please don't think badly of him for he did not betray me nor i him.

i was distraught although sent him my usual messages so he knew i was still here and committed to him, i ate very little and by Friday was looking dreadful and struggling to hold the tears at bay.

By that evening i was heartbroken and went to bed in tears having convinced myself it was all over~within ten minutes my phone rang and in the next 20 hours it rang another six times and each time we talked and slowly started to laugh again. in the day following we spoke again twice and made arrangements for next weekend. 

so we survived~despite everything we still missed each other and love has won.

while i never doubted i wanted the relationship to survive he needed time to think and i feel joy that he chose to fight for us and not just give up as an easy option.

yes~our relationship had become perfection and see what he bought me for Christmas...

meet Babette

he knew i have had three previously and thought how suited i am to them...we drove all the way to Suffolk for her, a 440 mile round trip.

so we have had our first, serious blip in our relationship and survived