~october~

so here I am again, but you will find a whole new me existing in this world

so much has changed in my life, it feels as if I have been re-born,

that I have emerged from a catalyst and am finding myself with new horizons ahead of me.

of course this could not take place without the biggest of upheavals.

I couldn't see myself reaching my 50th birthday feeling so undermined and trapped and unhappy and

I could not keep my life as it was when my heart was so obviously elsewhere.

I couldn't do it and it wasn't fair to K either

I also couldn't have my love existing elsewhere and so I had to end my 17 year relationship.

it didn't happen overnight and was one of the hardest things I have done, but also one of the most 'right' things I have done.

I can't say that my life has been instantly turned around because it hasn't, far from it. but I am happy, happier than I have for many years and I have regained my freedom, my independence.

P is still in my life, of course he is, and we are oh so gently orbiting each other.

we both now know exactly how we feel for each other because circumstances had us exchanging a few, long, very heartfelt messages back in September.

it reached the point where, although we both knew of each others feelings, for me I had to explain it with some clarity.

the heartfelt messages helped us both with what we were feeling and also set some boundaries~namely that we need to re-build our friendship before getting into anything that would destroy what we have, that we both have 'baggage' that needs to heal, plus to say nothing of the complication of living over 200 miles apart.

so I exist in a state of what I call

softly, softly, catchee monkey

my life is a semi limbo of joy~of knowing how P feels for me, of waiting~waiting for who knows how long for things to move, even a little, further forward, of sadness and frustration~knowing you belong with this one person and loving and wanting to be with them so badly it is a constant physical hurt. my every waking moment has him in the background like some radar I cannot turn off.

of course I now have many other joys in my life that are incredibly  important

I have control of my life, of my own money, of my time and what I choose to do with it and more importantly I will soon be in possession of a car, which means for the first time in over 8 years I will be independently mobile~no longer having to rely on someone else to take me the places I need to get to. which means my world will be opened up. I will be able to visit friends and, excitingly, drive myself to concerts~in fact i already have tickets to see Echo and the Bunnymen in November and Seth Lakeman in December.

I can see how, to some people out there, these small achievements will seem just that, small, but to me they are huge, like tall beautiful mountains of achievement that stand before me, that I know I can climb with joy in my heart.